Thoughts of smoking . Day 5

Blog Post created by Juka on Mar 1, 2018

Thoughts of smoking . Day 5:


Two years ago I went to a Vipassana meditation and it was a very difficult journey for me. Although I was able to stay there for the whole 11 days - by the day 5 I was so horrified from everything that was going on with me that I was advised to stop most of the group meditations . One of the scariest parts that are started on around day 4-5 were very violent day dreams about medieval wars , crazy body injuries, seeing myself without some body parts or being tortured as if I was a medieval witch. Violence that I’m not familiar in my day to day life . In addition crazy nightmares during the night without much content but something that felt horrifying and unclear..

Eventually I was able to work through those day dreams and it stopped never to return again . Same for the night dreams- those just stopped by itself.   


A year later I went again to Vipassana but only for 3 days retreat this time. ( it's actually 5 days if you count a day before and after when you actually start and finish) . Same story here. On the 2rd day  - horrible nightmares( luckily no daydreams this time). I never been scared that much in my entire life and a room all to myself contribute to the fear . A night before the last day of Vipassana I woke up around 12 AM paralyzed from fear and by the 5 AM I was out of the retreat ( I decided not to put myself through another night- had no idea how to handle those surreal nightmares) 


I'm very grateful to Vipassana meditation - it gave me a lot and taught me a lot ( which is not really related to this forum) but after second experience I realize that maybe I need to hold off and probably some Technics are just not good for me.


Until today...


Last night I has the same nightmares  - same terrorizing and horrifying feeling that can't be even explained. And then the thought came..


I didn't smoke during Vipassana meditation - I was not allowed. But because of the set up  - you barely think of it or have any cravings.  The environment there is so different from your day to day life that you just forget about your smoking addiction...


But not your body or your mind….


Now I wonder if all that profound struggle was just  a nicotine withdrawal.