I continue to focus less and less on smoking, and have for the most part made it clear to myself that quitting isn't what caused my anxiety to appear. A little over 3 weeks on 10 mg of Lexapro and it seems that the medication, or time - or both- are beginning to help.
I'm having good and bad days now. And that's an improvement.
This is a tough victory to achieve. If I hadn't committed to not smoking No Matter What, I would have had a "Can I do this? I want to give up. Will I/Won't I" internal struggle going on that in the past has driven me right back to the addiction. People have said it cannot be an option in your mind AT ALL, and that's right. If you add that 24/7 mental debate to the equation, on top of everything else, then it tips the scales back in nicotine's favor.
I quit and have struggled, whined, complained, and bitched my butt off, but in every blog and every thought, I policed myself and say it sucks, but I won't smoke. It will get better when it gets better. It will takes whatever amount of time it takes.
I've hated a lot of the past 48 days. So be it.
But I didn't, and I won't, smoke.
No. Matter. What.