Finally slipped and gave in. Felt the guilt hit me as soon as that first wave of smoke filled my lungs. Anxiety melted away, and I took another puff, one after the other.
The relief was amazing.
For about an hour. Then it was back full force and I needed another shot of nicotine filled smoke. And another. And another.
The guilt and stink of failure was nearly overwhelming as well. What had I just thrown away? Do I have anywhere near the resolve needed to win it back?
And then I woke up. Both literally AND figuratively. I think I now have a glimpse of what returning to smoking would give and what it would take away. I'm still struggling with anxiety but now realize completely that smoking only took that away - at best - one hour at a time. I need to find a better way to remove it from my life and learn to cope permanently.
Not going back to the prison of temporary relief at the expense of my health and freedom. Not today and not tomorrow. For the first time in 28 days, I've got this and I'm keeping it.
For now anyway :-)