Jerica_82

Everything I've Lost In 7 Months

Blog Post created by Jerica_82 on Aug 20, 2018

7 months ago I decided enough was enough.  I was a closet smoker for nearly two decades and the anxiety and shame that came with that had taken so much from me.  I was tired of missing out on things, obsessing about having time to find a hiding place to smoke and worrying about masking the odor.  I'm not so sure that nobody knew.  I used to tell myself it helped calm me down.  I even convinced myself that it was beyond my control.. just a part of my depression, anxiety and OCD.  But one day I said the only thing standing in my way of quitting is ME.  The moment I took the blame for it after all those years was the moment I turned to God and said "HELP".  I prayed for strength and to this day I have a voice in my head that replays and says, "You can if you believe you can."  I quit making excuses for it. I quit blaming that friend who told me 18 years ago, "Here... just try it once...". I quit blaming emotional and verbal abuse from my childhood.  I quit blaming my chronic fatigue syndrome.  I quit blaming panic attacks and sleepless nights.  I had to see smoking as unhealthy and self-destructive behavior and as MY problem and I had to separate it from the excuses.  I know people don't see it the same... I probably make a bigger deal of it but if it helped me quit, maybe it will help someone else.  Self love sometimes needs to be tough love and for years I couldn't love myself.  I didn't think I was worth it.  We are all worth it.  You are worth it!  You've got to want better and know that you deserve better.  I let go of a whole lot more than cigarettes 7 months ago and I've never felt better on the inside.  

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