65 Days

Blog Post created by Jerica_82 on Mar 27, 2018

Today was day 65 but my anxiety and insecurity has been through the roof this weekend.         


Any former closet-smoker would probably not blame me for my meltdown yesterday but today I admit to myself the silliness of it!  Gotta love social media!    An old friend of ours posted the popular "quit smoking timeline of benefits" list and my "well-meaning" husband tagged my name in a comment!  I couldnt believe it!!  I went up to him and asked, "What do you think people would assume seeing my name tagged there?" And he replied, "Um, that it was something I found interesting and wanted my wife to see." My first thought was that if anyone suspected that I was a secret smoker, that would have confirmed it! I was sooo upset. I think in my head I cursed out him and all the other "never-smokers" on the planet for their lack of understanding! LOL! I don't want anyone to know that I quit- if I successfully hid this ridiculous addiction for nearly 18 years!  Did he really not think I had thoroughly... I mean, OBSESSIVELY done my research on all things quit-related?!    So I deleted the comment, which could make it more suspicious, but I felt better in doing so.  MEN!    Then I went to my room in a state of panic and cried. A lot! It's actually hard to be mad at him because he is equally, if not more, excited about my quit. We are coming up on 15 years of marriage and he's never known me as I am now, which is as I always should have been- free.   ️  He deserves me this way. I deserve to be this way!    I just wish I wasn't crazy sometimes too... 


Today was rough because I agonize over physical discomforts, fearing that although I quit and have no doubt that I will stay quit forever, the damage will still catch up with me someday.  Health-related anxiety you could say. I was laughing earlier today and felt this stupid stabbing pain on the upper right side of my chest again out of nowhere and it still comes and goes with deep breath in. The same pain that was one of the things that pushed me to finally quit.  I spent many sleepless nights on Google and webMD panicking that it was something fatal yet I never could confess to my Dr that I smoked.   Ugh.  I worry about it all the time.  My eating habits today were shameful so this may be just acid reflux pain or perhaps I have asthma.. the weather was cold and rainy and I did feel short of breath off and on.  Ive never had "the cough" and rarely do i cough up anything. Currently I'm sipping hot green tea with mint and I've got a hot pack on my chest.     


Other than the anxiety, it's been a pretty good day.  I remember thinking 1 day without smoking would be unbearable and here I have been blessed with 65 smoke-free days that I guess I try to keep interesting. Lol I have more self-improvement goals following my quitting smoking but I'm still going to hold off a while before tackling them.  I'm just enjoying this freedom for now... One day at a time!