These days are endless

Blog Post created by Jaime1234 on Aug 4, 2019

After reading many blogs and my bf finally quitting with me I am doing little better but there is still all this cigarette stuff in home he and I haven’t gotten rid of I have discovered making it through a day is easy making it through waking up I’m not doing so hott no one to turn to I know everyone tired of hearing me say anything about the battle I’m fighting I got so angry last two days at all of this I smoked two cigarettes yesterday morning and four this morning I have to stop morning cravings bf says having something to do in morning helps I already put dishes away took dog out checked kids shoes for church and now I’m just sitting in process of sitting I have smoked four took them and put them out them and put them out of sight but I know they are there my bf is so funny about money he won’t let me throw them away he won’t throw away his in opened packs either I have discovered though I don’t like the way they taste now they give me headache smell horrible and most of all I think about the money as I sit and watch most of it just burn up in ash tray once the kids get up and shower and so do I the cravings for majority disappear I drink Chinese detox tea every morning which taste yuck but provides me little relaxation from immediately running back to go get those cigarettes but I already smoked four so it counts I am angry with myself don’t even like looking in mirror lately since even though I can make it eat of day without one more cig I can’t seem to beat that morning battle I will pray today for gods help my pastor always seems to have a way of teaching us lessons through gods word that are meant for each of us without even knowing all our battles it’s amazing how god works that way. Everyone can chastise me all they want no one is perfect and at least I’m trying but I’m no longer caring what negativity people say I do not feel as if I am failing this battle I just don’t feel as if I have completely found my total quit but I’m almost there but hey god don’t didnt even create the world in one day and that is truly where a great deal of my faith lies so respond how you like rude or not today it’s me my kids and my faith on aug 21st I have signed my bf and I up for classes at hospital to help educate us on quitting too so my journey may not be yours it’s mine and I’m not gonna beat myself up over it I consider making inferences it more than 12 hrs a major accomplishment and for him well he’s doing better than me but his mind over matter powers have always been stronger than mine two opposites often equal each other out he is my rock just wish I had his will power and strength. Well there I’ve said what I’ve had to say don’t need tough love so to speak my dad passed when I was in my 20s and my mother had been in prison since I was 18 I moved away from home raised a beautiful daughter who is attending college for neuroscience to become a brain surgeon I gave my only son up for adoption and now I’m raising an adhd child and a child who almost died on me during birth but is now six so I’ve been rapped and almost killed and drug through circumstances only people see on tv so I know tough love I’m hard enough on my self I am going beat this battle one day at a time because but I’m not going let it turn my happiness that I’ve worked so hard to gain through my crazy life to depression because I’m struggling so there you have it and that is just a small piece of it I’m becoming a better friend Erwin every day I wake up and after all I’ve been through I have a want to live so my last battle to do that is to give up cigarettes for good and I’m so close. Don’t beat me down emotionally with negativity while I try to continue to become the best me I can be