Hello EX Community,
I haven't been able to sleep well for days and days now. I go to bed and write blog posts in my head for hours. I should have written it all down at the time all of these thoughts in my head were occurring but didn't. Now that I am ready to write I am finding trouble with how to start.
As some of you know, I quit smoking last June, I had 87 DOF and then relapsed in September. I have been smoking since then. In September I had committed to quitting again. I blogged my plan and then failed to execute it. I then stayed away from here until about two weeks ago. I felt all the normal and common reasons for doing that but as time went by those normal and common reasons all started to feel rather pathetic and nothing more then addiction talk. But sadly that was not what brought me back. The real change occurred when I started having dreams about me as a non-smoker. I remember during my last quit I would have dreams about smoking again and would wake up with this horrible fear that the dream was real. Now I have been dreaming about myself as a non-smoker and I would feel so good and happy. I was longing for that feeling and would wake up so sad that it wasn't real.
All of the health improvements I had made during my quit has been destroyed. I can actually feel the nicotine poisoning every part of my body with every cigarette I smoke. I have gone from being able to ride my bike stronger, faster, longer and more often during my quit to where I haven't been on my bike in a few weeks. I have now reached a point where I am physically nauseous after every cigarette I smoke. My body is YELLING at me. The contrast between be non-smoker to a smoker couldn't be more clear to me.
I AM DONE!! During these last few weeks I have been preparing for my FINAL QUIT!!! I have been here reading, and reading, and reading everyday. I have read all of the books again. I have re-read all of my previous blog posts and now I am not only ready for my FINAL QUIT, I am out for vengeance against nicotine. I want to destroy it and I want it out of my body. I want my non-smoking life back.
My quit date is Monday, 12/4/201. While I have hated smoking during this relapse I have learned so much. In addition to all the things my last quit taught me this relapse has also taught me:
1) I need to count my DOF - During my last quit I stopped counting days and lost my focus
2) I need to come to this site everyday - During my last quit I stopped coming to this site claiming "I wanted to stop thinking about smoking" again lost my focus
3) During that period of NML (especially around the 100 day mark) I need to increase my focus on my quit - During my last quit I took it for granted, believed I was through the worse and again lost my focus
I want to thank everyone here for your support and honesty. I am very grateful!!