Every day this week I have spent a lot of time on this site reading posts by all of you. This is a huge contribution to my quit plan. I have read all kinds of discussions, some funny and happy, some reaching for help and other discussions on some serious topics. All of these topics have given me all kinds of things to consider.
Looking at myself, I thought about my past with smoking. I started when I was 13. I quit smoking for my three pregnancies (I really don't consider these quits because I always planned to start again after the kids were born). I quit once for a whole year when I wasn't pregnant. I was so happy during that one year. The day I took that one puff was at an annual BBQ with a bunch of friends. I asked my sister for a "hit off her smoke" and that ended that quit. Since that time I would tell people that it was an afternoon of Jell-O shots with my sister that did me in. In looking at me in this event I now know I was way too over confident and did not consider nicotine as a drug and myself as an addict.
A few year later I attempted to quit again. I had reached 6 months. The day that quit ended was the day I had an interview for a huge promotion and I messed up in the interview. I walked out of the building to my old smoking area and walked up to a smoker and asked for a cigarette, he gave it to me, I then asked for a light and he said "you quit smoking, are you sure you want to do this?" That question took my aback, never would I have expected that from another smoker. Looking at it now, that question gave me a moment to stop and think about what I was about to do and I didn't use it. I took the lighter. That was end of the quit #2. I let that monster rationalize me into, "it's just one, I can handle it".
I wasn't educated about smoking and nicotine at either of those attempts. I thought it was a controllable habit and I believed I was stronger than that. I was wrong. In looking at myself now, I am continuing to educate myself about nicotine and how I am an addict. By looking back I now have more knowledge about me and what I can expect from my monster when (not if) it attempts to get me back. Knowing is such a great power and I take some comfort in that.