Today was a bit easier than yesterday. I did not smoke, which is a great achievement. The things I have noticed today is I seem to get overheated easily. This seems strange to me, like I'm having trouble moderating my body temperature. It's not that big of a deal but strange. I have also realized quitting smoking is exhausting. I am so tired. I'm falling asleep at work in the afternoon.
I am struggling with how to act in different situations. I would find myself thinking, "now that I don't smoke, what do I do with myself"? I would describe it is as feeling lost. I feel lost. It is a strange feeling, sitting at my desk wondering what do I do as a non smoker?
I am also being very mindful of when I want to smoke. I found myself looking at a specific time and think to myself "this was when I would have a smoke" or a location "this is where I used to smoke". I'm feel just lost, but I am referring to these action in past tense, so it can't be all bad
I was thinking about that first time today. I remember it so clearly, what I was wearing, where I was, who was with me. I remember it was raining outside. A friend came over to me with a cigarette and asked if I wanted to learn how to smoke it. I was 13 years old, most of the people I knew smoked. Just about everyone at school smoked. I wanted to be like them. I remember my friend lit the cigarette for me. Handed it to me as say suck on the end, hold the smoke in your mouth and then swallow it. It sounded weird but it worked. I didn't cough and it didn't make me feel sick. It was not long before I was smoking everyday. I don't remember anything else about that day but I do remember this.
I do believe I will find my original self through this process, the non-smoker I was before that day so long ago.