It's 5:15pm where I am. Tomorrow is my quit day. I have been going over all of my plans for tomorrow and feel good about it. I feel I may not have prepared as well for this day however. The last day....I have been going through a range of emotions. Excited, happy, nervous, worried, sad, scared, that is some roller coaster ride. All of my plans were focused on tomorrow. Not on today! I know this is the drug messing with my mind and need to remember that. Today is not going to derail my tomorrow!!
As I watch the time go by I feel one part (a huge part) of my life coming to an end. While I can see all the great things I will gain in the future I am conflicted with the past. This was really not something I had considered in all of my planning. Sitting on a wall between the two. Clearly and deeply feeling the magnitude of this choice, throwing both feet over the side. The conflict, the fight, between the monster of my past and the air on the other side.
I have been watching the clock wishing time would move faster so this day can be over, the other part is wishing time would slow down so I have more time with today - more time with the drug, more time with the monster. Time is moving at times pace, every minute and hour the same.
I have been reading prior blog posting and read one that was letter of goodbye to this person's "lover" or "monster", I don't remember how many times I read it, it was a wonderful letter. I plan on writing my own when I feel ready. Today is not that day. My monster knows what is happening and I feel it every second.
Why am I going to jump over that wall?
No more coughing
My heart getting better
My first grandchild due in September
To be a non-smoker
I am going to jump over that wall!!