I slipped the first freaking day!
It wasn't a small drag slip, it was like bought a pack and smoked 5...I woke up again this morning just irritated with myself.
Am I really this weak? That's how I feel...I know your supposed to just move on and keep pushing but OMG I am just upset with myself.
In more things than just quitting smoking I have a difficult time keeping promises I have made to myself, whether it be to consistently work out, keep my room clean, set a schedule to get certain things done. It is something that has bothered me for a long time and I am not sure how to change that.
I always seem to justify it to myself somehow...like with the slip my quit date isn't set for 03/01/2017 but I wanted to make strides towards doing it before then. So when I bought the pack and smoked it I was like,
"well? I am not quitting till the first"
What the hell is that? It's an excuse...I am so tired of making excuses to myself and not holding myself to my own word!
I feel like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, on one hand I am sensible and on the other hand I am just some poisonous monster who will do anything to do the worst for myself up to and not excluding hurting myself (i.e smoking, eating junk food, not working out).
With quitting smoking I want to replace some of the things in my routine with working out. Then Ms. Hyde wants to be a negative Nancy and say things like...
"but you don't want to just walk or run on a treadmill like a hamster, do you?"
Then I listen to the dummy, cause I don't want to just run on a treadmill but I also don't want to go out in the cold to walk either, but I would bundle up and go outside and smoke?! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!
Somehow I can manage to make the concession for the things that are bad for me but if it is good for me I make an excuse and just rest in it?! I feel like no matter how frustrated I get at myself, I have no action plan. I am one of those people who want things spelled out in nice neat little lists of instructions. My other problem is keeping myself accountable. Everyone is enthusiastic on the first day.
DAY 1: Self:I am gonna work out today and for the rest of the week!"
DAY 2: "Oh Milanta! I hurt everywhere"
DAY 3: "Oh Look! PIE!"
DAY 4: "I need to work out, eh"
Wash, Rinse, Repeat with anything that is a benefit!
I wonder sometimes if I should find a therapist, to help me work through the magazine rack of issues I got stock piled.