I think its funny when they call an addiction "the monkey on your back", cause it's kinda of true.
It's like the moment you get tired of the weight and voice constantly poking you to go smoke and make the decision to get it off you or ignore it, its like it goes into like super hulk mode trying to beat the hell out of you until you change your mind!
I smoke about a half a pack a day.
Now normally its pretty much a routine:
Wake up, use restroom SMOKE
Get ready for work, get in the car and SMOKE before I ever make it to the interstate and continue intermittently untill its time to go in the building.
Lunchtime, eat SMOKE and then sit in my car and SMOKE till its time to go in the building
and then the same for when I leave work and smoke about every 45 minutes-1 hour when I am at home doing a whole lot of nothing.
So last night after the daily routine, I go outside to smoke, and I realized after lighting it and taking two drags and the cold wind making me shiver, I don't even wanna be out here and I don't even wanna smoke this.
So what do I do?
Finish the freaking cigarette!
So I go back in the house and I just get angry, and take all my cigarette packs and single cigarettes I had hidden various places and lighters and coupons I had stocked up. I put them in a wal-mart bag and saturated each one of them with water ruining them. I had done this before because I had been brow beaten by various family, friends and lovers, but it never stuck because I was doing it cause I felt I HAD TO...This time, no one had brow beaten me, I WANT to quit. That is something I have never said wholeheartedly.
I WANT TO QUIT
I am on day one...and it feels like the monkey is screaming at me while I am screaming from the mountain top my revalation...telling me I want a cigarette even though it isn't a usual time for me to have one.
It is times like this that I feel like Spongebob Squarepants....
except this time....I don't care how bad the monkey tries to scream....