So messed up

Blog Post created by Hiker on Jun 21, 2020

My first quit on EX was 2-1-19.  Worked great for 4 months.  Then I lapsed.  But quit again for another few months. Then lapsed again.  I kept telling myself that I could quit again. So I would quit and start up again.  In between each pack I would say I would quit for 1 week then start up again.  Then quit for 2 weeks then smoke for two weeks. Then back and forth and on and on.  When something came up I would use it as an excuse to smoke, then get over it and quit til the next thing came up and smoked again.  Constantly smoking was on my mind whether thinking about smoking or thinking about quitting.  Every day, almost all day.  Using the patch was helpful with the physical withdrawl. But my mental state was another story.  I tried all kinds of mental games with myself, all kinds of promises broken. Over and over.  So now.....I'm back on EX and will plug into this site more often.  I've read the 100 things to do instead of smoking but like I said, it seems as though I can get over that stuff.  But my mind and the conversations in my head bring me back to lighting up. That's what I don't see any help with.  A lozenge or walk will not stop my thoughts.  At least I don't think so.  And when you fail so often....what makes me think I have any luck this time?  So yeah... I'm messed up.  But I'm back to do it again. Just tired of failing. My hiking was great to look forward to.  In between smoking I felt really good at getting further along the uphill trails without stopping.  But even that wasn't enough to keep the quit. Anyone have some suggestions?  

PS. I was supposed to quit this Tuesday but since I'm at the last cigarette in the box tonight {sunday} I will quit on Monday.  Don't want to spend 10 bucks for 1 day of smoking and then throw them out or delay the quit.