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Share your quitting journey

So messed up

Hiker
Member
2 28 279

My first quit on EX was 2-1-19.  Worked great for 4 months.  Then I lapsed.  But quit again for another few months. Then lapsed again.  I kept telling myself that I could quit again. So I would quit and start up again.  In between each pack I would say I would quit for 1 week then start up again.  Then quit for 2 weeks then smoke for two weeks. Then back and forth and on and on.  When something came up I would use it as an excuse to smoke, then get over it and quit til the next thing came up and smoked again.  Constantly smoking was on my mind whether thinking about smoking or thinking about quitting.  Every day, almost all day.  Using the patch was helpful with the physical withdrawl. But my mental state was another story.  I tried all kinds of mental games with myself, all kinds of promises broken. Over and over.  So now.....I'm back on EX and will plug into this site more often.  I've read the 100 things to do instead of smoking but like I said, it seems as though I can get over that stuff.  But my mind and the conversations in my head bring me back to lighting up. That's what I don't see any help with.  A lozenge or walk will not stop my thoughts.  At least I don't think so.  And when you fail so often....what makes me think I have any luck this time?  So yeah... I'm messed up.  But I'm back to do it again. Just tired of failing. My hiking was great to look forward to.  In between smoking I felt really good at getting further along the uphill trails without stopping.  But even that wasn't enough to keep the quit. Anyone have some suggestions?  

PS. I was supposed to quit this Tuesday but since I'm at the last cigarette in the box tonight {sunday} I will quit on Monday.  Don't want to spend 10 bucks for 1 day of smoking and then throw them out or delay the quit.

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About the Author
Lets see...I have been a smoker for way too many years. My last quit was for 3 yrs. We moved cross country from NJ to AZ to this new place. I got thru the move and even finding out my husband has early Alzheimer disease, all without smoking. But for whatever reason I picked it up again in the fall 2017. Moving to this area created so many opportunities to explore and find groups to meet new people. We joined a hiking group that meets once a week. We joined another group that meets 2 times a week that works to build new trails and repair the old ones. We adopted a rescue dog who loves to go for hikes. We also joined a yoga session that meets 2 times a week and joined the gym. This was for my husband to help with the disease but also for myself. For the first 5 months of moving here all was great as a non smoker. The elevation sometimes got to me but I adjusted. When I started smoking again it didn't seem to effect my activity. I only smoked 6 to 7 cigarettes a day. But then it did become a problem. I couldn't keep up with the hiking groups and my asthma inhaler wasn't all that effective. My husband would take the dog for a walk, which in this area was full of hills, and I would come up with excuses why I didn't go with them. I would stay home to smoke. My doctor noticed my oxygen levels were low. My night vision was getting worse. I was avoiding the activities I loved to do. My hiker friends noticed I was slowing down but I made excuses to stop to look at the scenery or drink or blow my nose. The constant commercials on tv about smoking effects bothered me. Seeing folks with oxygen machines while they were in the store or at the park effected me. My husband "caught" me a few times and just shook his head and said "you're going to die before me." Coughing and constantly clearing my throat was real annoying and hurt. My adult children who would come to visit wanted to see all the trails we found. Knowing how active they are in their lives I wanted to keep up with them. So it was time to knock it off. I had tried a few times and could go a few months without lighting up. Then I would get through a week at a time. I thought I could just smoke on and off like this and still work it out. But when I quit all I could think of is smoking and when I smoked all I could think of was quitting. Way too much on my brain! Somehow I found this site and it has been a great help.