Im realizing that nicotine helped relieve a lot of my anxiety in the past year. It made it so I could forget how I was feeling, dull my worries. And when I removed nicotine from my routine, all these worries and feelings I had this past year hadn't been addressed or answered. They all hit me at once, stunning me. I would consider myself very self-aware (a little too much). This causes me to be very introspective. I often ask myself what is MY meaning of life. And for what felt like the longest time I would have answered, "to be Happy as much as humanly possible". While I still wish this, my previous self went to any length to be happy. I'd give in to any vice to be happy wether it be drink, smoke, or eat. I now understand where that leads. Gluttony is a real problem I have. I look at my friends who are 20 and have smoked since they were 13, and continue to do such. I feel bad for them because like myself I think they have been duped by nicotine. I hung out with my buddy today who still smokes, and he offered me a cig and I didn't even think twice about saying no. This was not hard for me at all because I know how absolutely terrible quitting them are. If he knew the misery quitting them was maybe he'd realize how much control they have over his life. He said smoking is the only thing he enjoys about life, and while I understand things in his life aren't going his way, he certainly doesn't live under an overpass and has all of his limbs. This has to be addiction talking. Thoughts like these are why I wish I wasn't so deep thinking. I feel that most people would just come to the conclusion, "well he really likes smoking". I feel bad for my friends. I often worry about them dying early because of their addiction to cigarettes and me being here by myself left with only a memory of them. I respect their right to make their own decisions and don't want to make them feel bad, but I am too much like my mother; I worry. My new meaning of life is to come to terms with my human condition.
Today is day 52 and has been ok. Im still in a bad mood most the day. I'm probably insufferable to live with at the moment. I'm in this weird, philosophical head space where I am questioning everything. My friend and I hung out for an hour and a half, and weirdly I counted he smoked four cigs. Not out loud, but I kept a mental note. We were talking so I'm sure it was mostly just that hand to mouth anxious, need to be doing something with my hands energy, but I kept thinking about the damage he was doing with each and how his brain feels reward in doing such. I saw a post on Facebook referring to smoking as "micro-dosing suicide". This was posted by a smoker. The depressive attitude that smokers have must be caused by their dependence I think.
Anyway just figured I type my late night thoughts into the void that is the Internet.