Day 73. Losing Hope

Blog Post created by Freedomcat on Mar 10, 2019

I haven't been here in a while. Last time I was I started craving and stopped coming. That's when I didnt have any cravings. Now I have cravings so much. Like looooong cravings where I feel trapped and so sad and pissed off. Such an intensity of longing.  And I get so picked off because it's not really an option. I cant legitamize it anymore. I cant talk myself into 'just one' anymore. I'm hoping to start a family this year, and that wont happen if I smoke. And I'm ******* pissed off about that. I'm in such emotional pain these days. Since quitting I've experienced panic attacks most mornings...some that last almost the entire day...since the first month of my quit. I am also having ptsd symptoms and so much grief and fear. Oh man, the fear. I am having a hard time going to work or really leaving my bedroom. I cry a lot and it feels neverending and uncontollable. I dont know who I am anymore. I'm in limbo between the old me and the new me. And I desperately want to go back to the old me. I want to go to outside and escape my problems. I want to walk and smoke two in a row as I often did. I want to numb my brain. I want to self medicate. I want to feel everything is alright again. To live in a fantasy word again behind  smoke screen. I am longing for smoking and feel so angry that I cant anymore. Why cant I just smoke for a few.weeks. just go on a bender and then come back. Common. Pleeeeaaasssse??   I dont mean to scare anyone from trying...I just need to share my experience. Maybe to feel not so alone. To get some support. To hear some other and some compassion. Some suggestions.    I am seeing a therapist, and have upped my anxiety meds as well. Just an fyi.    Honestly, what now? I committed to making it through no mans land. Here's hoping it gets better. Until then I just want to hide in my bed. And eat chocolate and chips. And I know that's not helping but today that's where I am. I dont feel I can do more. It's all too ******* much. Today.    (Sorry for the swearing)   Tanya