Wow, day 3.
My anxiety has skyrocketed today and also ANGER.
I have lost my escape hatch. And now need to feel the anger. And the anxiety. And the mundane moments of life. And it's hard. I want to kick and scream and punch. My partner and I wrestled a bit which was super helpful. I went for a brisk walk and listened to Sia's Flame. This is the perfect quit smoking motivator song. And I danced under the stars in the park. Breathing in the cold December air. Breathing it out. Punching my arms in the air. Feeling my energy and aliveness. Hoping and praying this longing, this discomfort, will pass. That I will be able to relax and surrender. That I wont always be longing for something more. And, that i will find out what it is i really want, what i really desire, because there is a desire there...its just been coupled with cigarettes for so long. I feel excitement...and i go immediately to the cigarette. Without allowing the excitement to build and get more focused. Any activation of energy, whether its anxiety or anger or excitement, I go for the smoke. So now I need to feel it, listen and follow the impulse, listen to what is needed, what movement needs to happen, what I am really craving for.
This interest and curiosity keeps in me going. It helps alot. To find meaning in all this. And the possibility for my needs to actually be met as opposed to years and years of perpetual disatisfaction. Yearning and longing...then smoking, and feeling dissatisfied. Still feeling the longing. Still feeling the discomfort, perhaps slightly numbed, but still there.
I work in mental health, and I would never recommend someone take up smoking as a method to cope with anxiety. It doesn't help in the long run and has likely perpetuated my anxiety.
Smoking did help me 19 years ago when I started, I was 17 and had no other supports. I was dealing with a huge loss and trauma, and was alone. I just re read my goodbye letter to cigarettes. I thanked them for helping me to avoid the pain of that time. For offering to support me then. And, that I am older now. I have grown stronger. I have other hands to hold and other supports. I have ways of coping and being with anxiety. I no longer need their help. And I want to live. The relationship is abusive and I am choosing to leave.
Day 3, man. That was hard.
And, I didn't smoke.
Writing this felt good. I feel alot calmer now.
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