Some hours ago I smoked some cigarettes after I bought a pack in the morning. I did it again. Why not? I am not credible enough. We all know that. And I am not calm. Not even when I go to have some coffee with a friend I haven't seen months. The truth about people who trying to quit smoking is THAT NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND THEM. Seriously. You tell them that you're quiting and they are just like "Oh great! You can make it!" But they don't care more than that. We still have some terrible issues to work with. And we are all alone. All by ourselfes. They will not understand what we are going through. Even when the day is shit. I had a day like that. I had to spend two hours to get back home. I want to quit. My mind tells me go and have a pack. After 5-6 cigarettes I get dizzy and I get a headache. Just like now. And I throw the pack of cigarettes. I leave it at one pleace that someone who has a smoking addiction like me will get it. My ex used to say that I don't drink and I don't smoke therefore I am a boring person. My ex used to beat me as well. She was that good for advices don't you think. I am so obsessed with people who smoke that I watch them puff at the bus stations and I always think that they must having a great time. Seriously. They don't just have to smoke. They have a pleasure. I am getting mad at how beautiful people smoke. I feel like nobody. I feel like I am losing something. I know that I am typing bullshit but this is how I feel. I am jealous of them. I watch them waiting at traffic if they are smoking or not. I am sorry. But I am mad. Mad for my decision to quit. I want to start over and be good this time. I will go pring Alen Carr's book to read it at my free time. I hope it helps.
