Today it's the first day and probably an embarassing one. When I relapsed at September 2, I immediately posted my relpase here on this blog. I want to be honest and being honest is not always for good. The next day I woke up and my mouth was dry as hell. I also had some gluish white thing coming out of my mouth and I spitted blood. I was frightened. Every time I relapse my body rejects it by vomitting, headaches or even spitting blood. I finished the pack last night and today I was nervous plus I feel ill. But I wanted a cigarette to smoke. So I went outside of the airport (where I work) to find someone before the entrance who I was sure that he will be smoking. I found two of them and asked for a cigarette. They said no. I was so embarassed. I thought for a second what the hell am I doing. Is this the addiction who talks? Is this probably one of the lowest times in my life? So, I still feel ill. But one comment from the last post really switched on my mind. It was saying that when my mind goes to smoking I will respond with "I don't smoke. I don't do that anymore". And it somehow works. It's like a defensive mechanism which by repeating that phrase it becomes a habit and therefore a way of life. I have told many times that I feel jealous when I see someone smoking or buying cartons of cigarettes from me because I feel that I am missing his pleasure but I also have many role models who are my friends or colleagues, celebrities (Bella Hadid recently quit by posting on Instagram and gave me confidence), athletes and people who have a bright white smile that says that they don't smoke they have a healthty lifestyle. I want to be like them. And the magic phrase is: I don't do that anymore. I used to smoke. I have an addiction but now I'm free. I can't change the world though. I can't go to the smoking lounges at the airport and tell people inside who smoke "Smoking kills! Quit now!". They will tell me to f**k off. But me, no. I don't do that anymore. I used to smoke. I still struggle with my addiction. It's not easy but I chose to be free.
-Dimitris
