I Failed, I Slipped and I am an Idiot

Blog Post created by DimArtist on Sep 1, 2017

The last days are being very depressing for me. Yeah, I know excuses. But just listen to me first and then type your comments. I have some trouble with my family, my job status is uncertain after this month and I am the only one who brings a wage at home. My future is uncertain and I just try to avoid thinking of it and live each day like nothing happens. But I see at my work every day those goddamn smokers who buy hundreds of cartons of cigarettes and I feel I am missing something. When my morale is low I think of smoking. I think that I need some relief. Something that will give some boost. Smoking is not that. I know it. But my mind tells me that I am this one. I have failed hundreds of times to quit. I was 37 days smokefree. And I failed again. I feel like an idiot. I woke up, went to the station and bought a pack of cigarettes. The moment I light it up I think that my smokefree record will be erased. I missed the bus on purpose to have a cigarette. And then a second one. I also missed my train to go to work so I had to wait for 30 minutes for the next one. Then I arrived at work late but I light up a cigarette before entering at my work space. After two hours I asked my supervisor to give me some time to leave because of something which was not important and I went outside to have two cigarettes. Then at my break I went to the smoking lounge which OMG it's terrible. The feeling of being in a glass cage, the smell, the smoke, how uncomfortable it was. I went again for a cigarette at my second break to have one. After that returning to my home as I was waiting for my bus I light up a cigarette but I saw the bus coming so I dropped it. As I was arriving home I was thinking that being a smoker consumes a lot of time in a day. You have to find some time in your day to smoke. I didn't like it. I didn't like the smoker's day. I didn't feel free as the Winston ad above me at the smoking lounge. It was all bullsh*t. I felt like I had to find some time for my addiction. I fet addicted. With only 7 cigarettes. I will try again. These days are very important to me. It's time to stop and restart. I hate the feeling that I let you down guys. I am sorry. I really am. Please be gentle.

- Dimitris