It's been a week since my last relapse. My mind tries to romantize the smoking. For example, tomorrow I will watch football on a cafe and most people will be smoking. What I am thinking is that a great thing for watching a match and having a beer is also having a cigarette because all the others in that cafe will be smoking and I will be missing something. My mind tells me that I have some money on my wallet and that I have to spend them and that death is inevitable whatever I do. It will happen one day. But my next thought is "do you want to die in horrible way with chemos or peacefully?". I am seeing people in the bus station smoking while waiting and they are many. I am reading articles every day that universally smoking is in decline but not here (Greece). This place is still a smoking heaven. The pack costs 4,50€. People from UK, Canada and US get excited when they see that a carton of 10 packs costs 35€. And I am sitting at the bus station and staring at them making puffs slowly and some of the smoke comes to my face and I am feeling useless. Why am I not helping them? Why are they not helping themselves? Don't they know how bad smoking is? I remember the last time I went to a doctor and the doctor had on her desk an open pack of cigarettes. I was angry. I was disappointed. Sorry for all this nonsense but I wanted to get off my chest some thoughts. I know how horrible a relapse will be. Headaches, vomit and dizziness. But my mind is missing that drug and I have to make peace with the thought that I should never smoke again.