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I probably just broke the rules

Diannnnn
Member
5 34 411

but this has been bugging me for awhile. Some of you may remember that I chose to smoke a cigarette on August 10th to see what it was like. I am very glad I did that because that experience has helped me through many craves since. I believe I needed to do that for my quit. This is my first attempt to quit and it feels in every way like my forever quit. I may think about having a cigarette once or twice a week, but the thought is so fleeting that I don't think it even qualifies as a crave. On those rare occasions that I do have a crave, I laugh and remember that horrible ashtray taste in my mouth and how sick I felt after my "experiment". It really has been an invaluable experience for me. I want to stress that this is my experience and I in no way recommend anyone follow my lead! This was the path my quit followed and I think everyone's quit, while having many similarities, have personal qualities that make them unique. 

I was honest with the community and even changed my quit date, but today I changed it back to July 2nd because I don't feel like I lost my quit on August 10th. I didn't start smoking again, it actually drove me further away from my addiction. That experience is one of the tools in my toolkit now because while I feel strong in my quit, there are times when I experience a crave and my body reacts before my brain kicks in. I will find myself walking out to the garage to see if someone left cigarettes out there or even if there is a smokeable butt. I immediately remind myself that I don't do that anymore and start going through my toolkit; get the ice cold water, look for a distraction and remember "the experience". Then I move on with my day.

I realize there may be some who feel that my quit date should stay at August 10th. That's fine. I just wanted to know how many days it had been since I had truly been a smoker. So if it is a huge issue, I'll change it back. I know it's been 88 days and I am marking that on my personal calendar. I probably still won't keep an active count of my DOF because it just isn't important to me on a daily basis. I check about once a week or even just count up the weeks on a calendar. It's just the way I do it for my quit.

This community is amazing and everyone has been a huge help and inspiration. I am not trying to change things or make waves, but I never felt comfortable with acting as though I blew my quit when I really didn't feel as if I had. I have the utmost respect for all my fellow EXers and thanks each of you for your assistance and friendship!

Dian

34 Comments
About the Author
Hello. My name is Dian and my quit date is 7/2/2017. I am 54 years old and live with my brother and sister-in-law. My current occupation is caregiver to my 3 nephews ages 5-10. I work 40-50 hours per week in my "Nauntie" role. I have smoked for 33 years and alcohol has been a daily part of my life for approximately 13 years. In addition, I have dealt with depression and anxiety for 30+ years. I am pretty hard-headed and determined. I tend to believe I can treat myself medically because I was a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy, earned an associate’s degree in Health Information Technology and have an affinity for medicine. Six weeks ago I was smoking 20-30 cigarettes per day and drinking an average of 4-6 beers per night for at least the last 9 months. Then I caught what I thought was a normal cold on May 14th. After treating it myself unsuccessfully for a week and coughing so hard as to cause one of the most severe headaches I have ever had, I went to a Take Care clinic to have my lungs listened to and possibly get some steroids. The Nurse Practioner recommended I go to the ER. ER gave me IV steroids and 2 hour long breathing treatments. Left with a whole host of prescriptions. I followed up with my primary care Dr the following Tuesday and he continued the treatment plan. That night and the following morning I had hour-long, incapacitating coughing fits. I could not do anything but cough. My sister in law rearranged her entire day to work from home because she was not comfortable leaving me alone with a 5 year old. I called my Dr. The next morning his nurse called me to let me know about a steroid extension, and then I coughed. She told me I needed to go to Immediate Care as soon as possible. So off I go to the dr. again. He put me in the hospital because outpatient treatment was failing. Two days in the hospital and here we are today. I will be taking a pulmonary function test this Tuesday to confirm or rule out COPD. I have been actively trying to find relief from my depression, this round, through professionals for the last 3 years. I started Lexapro in December and I think it was starting to finally work just before "the cold", despite the amount of alcohol I was drinking. I have not only decided to quit smoking, but I have changed the way I was “living” life. Better nutrition, exercise, quit smoking and quit hiding behind alcohol. If I think about it too much it seems daunting, but it feels right for me at this time so I’m going with for it. I am being very gentle with myself while still holding myself accountable. I know I can do this.