I have been thinking about stressors in my life and thinking about the fact that despite everything, I still don't want a smoke. Amazing! Here is a list of the stuff going on in my life that a month ago would have sent me outside to light up.
- My Dad is 84 with COPD and still smoking. I am going to lose him and I am scared. I want to go down to Florida and spend extended time with him and I am working towards doing that without causing hurt feelings here. I have this school year to figure out logistics and prepare the boys for me not being here 24/7. I need to give my bro and sil enough time to make alternative plans for next summer as well.
- My Dad's only living brother is almost 90 and dealing with serious health issues that are chipping away at his physical and mental health. He and my Aunt are the two I have always been closest to and the reality that they won't be around forever is setting in, just like with my Dad. I want to go see them, but I just don't have the $'s.
- A cousin by marriage that I have known since I was about 4 or 5 has cancer that they can't cure nor surgically remove. Everything being done is hopefully buying her time until research finds something to help her. I am trying to get down to southern Missouri to see her, but again money is an issue. Hoping to make it happen after next payday. Time isn't an issue since I only need a weekend.
- Since my own little "health scare", the dynamic between myself and my sister in law has changed. I know there has been a lot of change on my part, but we just don't have the closeness and friendship we once did. I see glimpses of it once in a while so I am just trying to be patient. Yesterday she let me know they were having "people over" last night. It left me wondering if she was just letting me know or didn't want me around. I made sure that I hung out in my room for an hour or so after the expected arrival, then went downstairs. Low and behold it was one of her best friends with her fiance and granddaughter. This girl is like family, so I was even more confused. Why wouldn't she just say, "Catrina and Gerardo are coming over tonight with Gia"? That is what she would have said 2 months ago, but now it's, "people coming over". It's very puzzling to me.
- No one has said, but I am expecting a pay cut next month as I won't have any kids to watch from 0830 to 1200. This, plus wanting extra money means I need to get a part-time job, preferably on the weekends. I haven't worked in the "real world" since 2009. I am so out of touch with what employers want and what makes a resume stand out that it almost paralyzes me. I am going to target retail jobs for now as I think that will be the best for me mentally. Kinda hard to carry home stress from stocking shelves. I have had a problem in the past with living my jobs and making the work the most important thing in my life. I need to make ME the most important thing. One nephew wants me to work at McDonald's, but I've done food service and would like to avoid that if possible. I'm also going to avoid convenience stores if possible as I think being around all those cigarettes would go far past the "test" point to simple insanity for me. I want to get out of the house, meet people, work and earn some money. I really want to stock or work the floor as standing behind a register drives me insane! I need to be free to move.
So, these are the things that have been weighing on me. None of them make me want a cigarette, but if the dam broke on one of these situations, well, I just don't know what would happen. I am simply trying to keep my kit updated and move forward one day at a time. It's all I can do at this point.
Thanks for letting me ramble my friends, it really helps to get all of this out and onto "paper". I even came inside I did this on the computer so I could focus on getting my thoughts down rather than fight with my phone.
This is where and how I do the majority of my posting from the convenience of my phone. The ashtrays don't bug me unless they need to be emptied...lol