Who said that was so right!
You quit, you go to the struggles of the first week, then the first month, then NML, and you are looking forward to your first anniversary, then it happens. You can't, but fill your heart with pride for having achieved something you never thought possible.
And you go on with your EX life. And even if you stay here, almost every day, drink from the fountain of knowledge, support others on their journey, you never actually arrived. An EX smoker never arrives. It gets better with every year you distance yourself from the starting point, but you never really arrive.
And when life kicks you in the gut, and makes you lose your breath, and ask yourself if you'll ever breathe again, your thoughts take you back to what you perceived to have been your best friend ever: smoking.
It takes courage to quit, but it takes more courage to stick with it. 1 year, or 4, it seems we are still vulnerable and ready to pick it back up without notice.
And I was there this past weekend; truth be told, I've been there for a while, but did not have the courage to even acknowledge the thought to myself. But it happened, I recognized it, and was almost ready to go for it.
Then I remembered what I told so many newbies here "please do not smoke before talking to us"; so I did: I blogged about my "plans" the "why" (which are all excuses, no reasons), and how entitled I was to pick up the tool meant to help kick off a weight loss, and help reduce the inflammatory state of my body (there are studies about Nicotine having this kind of impact on mice).
Then you all answered the blog, started a prayer circle, sent me private IMs, called me, and honestly I did not have the heart to disappoint you, or my family; myself did not count too much at that time. It seems to count more today than it did yesterday, or the day before.
And I am now looking for other ways to stop the self-destructing eating habits, which adds to a permanent state of hypothyroidism set against weight loss. And please don't get me wrong; I am not so vain to look for a body image at nearly 63; but I care how I die when the time comes; and I want to be able to move more freely, and I want the liver not to have to work so hard, and I need that switch in my head, helping make better choices, similar to the one we used when we quit smoking.
I have an idea, which does not involve smoking, and I will let you all know, once/if it works for me; because it's so obvious my struggle with weight is not the exception in this group, nor is the thyroid issue.
But for now, I am here, I am blogging, for elders, for newbies, for anyone who ever found themselves on the precipice to disaster...picking smoking back. There is a way back, and this community pointed it out to me.
Happy Monday and even this quarantine shall end, some day, stay strong until then!
Love to all!
D
