Daniela-3-11-2016

Entitled?

Blog Post created by Daniela-3-11-2016 on Sep 27, 2018

Time passes like crazy. Sometimes it feels I don't even acknowledge what day it is before it is gone. 

 

Busy time for me at work, home, health challenges, Weight Watchers (not so great thus far), big expenses, we need 2 new cars (we own a 17 years old Subaru Outback, and 19 years old Mazda Protege, you bet we need at least one reliable car), but we'll only get one at the time.  Told hubby it is time for him to get a new one, my Subaru will survive another couple of years, the time for mom to earn the right to Medicare, and for me to stop paying $1,200/month on premium for her Obama care insurance.  

 

Sitting here last night, still working on a project, I get this feeling (maybe I was just hungry), but it was surreal, I craved a cup of hot, sweet, fresh coffee, and the cigarettes to go with that! 

 

In an instant I was transported to the Munich airport, having a cup of coffee in their smoker's lounge.  For many times (40 maybe), that place was, felt heavenly to me.  I always almost ran once I would land in Munich (from USA, an average of 8-10 flight), to get a cup of fresh, really good coffee, and headed towards one of the smoker's lounges. 

These lounges are set like a bar, tables and chairs, an electronic aquarium, and the board with arrivals/departures. Always clean, pristine, huge vents above our heads, cleaning the smoke away.

 

Smokers were being treated like humans, with respect, the same respect drinkers get.  During my returns, I had to enter the USA waiting area, and that had, for a while, the small glass boxes for smokers, where if 3-4 people were smoking at the same time, you'd smell horrible.  I usually avoided these, thinking how uncomfortable I could make someone sitting by me on the plane, for many hours, and I was ashamed to cause that.

 

So last night, I felt entitled to re-live the same feeling of "freedom" when for 10-20 minutes I was satisfying my cravings with no other thought on my mind.  I was heading to see my aging parents, after a long flight overseas, and many vigil hours, but for these minutes I did not have any other responsibility, I was alone with my coffee and my smokes.

 

OK, are moments like these which can break a camel's back?  Is it that easy, for just a memory (actually the same memory, the same feeling of satisfaction deeply embedded in one's brain) to drag an EX from freedom back to slavery?

 

Why did I feel "entitled" to smoke?  I know about how destructive the addiction is, and despite that, the sense of loss was incredible, maybe as powerful as during the "Hell NO week"!

 

I am looking at my stats, and realize last night could have been an end to these, could have been a re-set to zero, and maybe not even tomorrow.  It could have taken me days, months, maybe years to come back from this!

 

I did not smoke, realizing on time, it is just one of these moments in life when you feel totally, utterly overwhelmed, and you run back to what seemed to be your most comfortable place.  But that is just an illusion, so thankful what brought it so close was probably just fatigue...and that passed.

 

Grateful for being here today, for having this forum to speak up, unload my worries. 

Because it was a very difficult moment last night, and honestly I do not remember if I used NOPE or not, I just know the computer went in sleep mode, I walked away from the desk to the couch and played a puzzle game on my phone for the reminder of the evening; could not even watch TV, the moment was too unsettling. 

 

But it passed. It always does.

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