Life has a way to get to you, and lately, more often than expected, the desire to go back to smoking hit me many times.
- seeing a driver in traffic hanging an arm out the window, holding a smoking cigarette
- slipping on a cigarette butt (of all things, really?)
- walking in a crisp morning and smelling smoke from a grill someone was using
- speaking with a co-worker who just came back form a cigarette break
- receiving a "Cuban" cigar (yes my co-worker brought me one from the Cayman islands), and sniffing the aroma; it will go to my son to have it over the holidays, but I had to sniff it, looking for the sweet smell of it.
And what I have been telling myself in all these occasions is that "I don't do that anymore", "I am a smoker who does not smoke". And I feel like a fraud; I feel I started to fight the state of ex-smoker, it feels as all the benefits and blessing I have counted for now 587 DOF, fade in comparison to the state of permanent vigilance I have to execute every time the thought hits me.
No way will I give in, but (because there is a but) I am traversing a period when I feel the effort to stay away from the poison, to stay clean and clear of the addiction, is becoming overwhelming at times.
Work had been horrible lately, 12-14h or work/day, non stop, inbox continuously growing and me not being able to keep it to a manageable number, little jokes from younger co-workers ("I think you are becoming more emotional with age", really?), it all makes me feel I should step away from the place. But it is the job which gives me the income, and that income pays for mom's medical insurance. Got to suck it up for another 2 1/2 years.
I am sorry if I sound whiny, but I think I need someone to hear me, and you are my friends, my other family, and you helped me step by step to be where I am today.
Thank you for listening, I'll get ready for a walk, and my mind will clear a little, but I had these thoughts for a wile and felt it is about time I came here and come clean. I will not smoke, just want to share with you all that I don't always have it easy, not even after nearly 600 DOFs.
Love you all!