~~Don't hate the addict, hate the disease. Don't hate the person, hate the behavior. If it's hard to watch it, imagine how hard it must be to live it.~~ Unknown
I know it's late and hardly anyone reads late night blogs. It doesn't matter, I just needed to get this out.
I was getting ready to teach my GED class tonight when one of my students walked in. She looked upset so I asked her if she was ok. She started crying and apologized for it. I assured her there was no reason to apologize as tears can sometimes be healing. And then she said it.
"I am a drug addict"
I waited because I thought she might have more to say, and she did. She said she wanted to use. She said she was so mad at herself because she tried to stay clean but wanted to get high. She said that her daughter doesn't live with her because she has been using drugs since she was a teenager and couldn't stay clean. She said she has been to rehab twice. She said went to NA meetings. She said got help. She said nothing works for her...because she wants to get high, even though she knows it's bad.
I nodded. A lot. I listened. A lot. We talked. About rehab. About getting a sponsor through NA. About how addiction can take over your whole world, not just your day. We talked about recovery and how she needed to focus on her needs. How recovery comes from within. How an addicted brain lies because it needs the drug of choice. You know...everything we say here.
We got interrupted several times. It didn't matter. She needed to talk, she needed to hear it isn't hopeless, she needed to know someone cared enough to listen. This girl is in her 20s. She is intelligent although she doesn't see that. She is gorgeous although she doesn't see that, either.
She sees she is an addict and she hates it even as she wants to use. She sees the destruction she has caused by her addiction. She understands the relationships she has damaged and the hearts she has shattered.
But she's not going to stop using. Not right now. I can hope for tomorrow and I can pray that she reaches out for help and I can talk to her about her purpose here on earth. But only she can quit. And as much as she knows she needs to, she doesn't want to because she 'likes' the high.
I've said it a million times....addiction is addiction, regardless of what you're addicted to. I used to be her. We all are her. Some of us chose recovery over addiction. Some of us chose to use another day. But we all know.
I was there to teach GED classes. That was all. C=pi*d and subject/predicate identification. Instead I met a broken soul. And as always, every time I see addiction win, it hurts. So I'll send up a prayer and keep the line of communication going and hope that her truth will climb out of the depths of addiction to strengthen her. And if it's this hard for me to watch, I can only imagine how very hard it is for her to live.
Just had to put it out there. It helps me to talk it out...even if I'm simply writing to myself. I want her to win. I want all of us to win...to recover....to break the cycle of addiction. We deserve it. We are worth it. And, most of all, we are so much more than our addiction.