Day 143...baby blues

Blog Post created by DLHaffner on Jul 26, 2018

I joined this site 144 days ago because I wanted to quit smoking.  My husband and I just lost our second pregnancy and were planning to start fertility treatments.  That was my real motive, my drive, I thought 'oh obviously I want to be a healthy non smoker so I can have a healthy pregnancy and baby.  I'm now four months, 21 days, and 13 hours into my quit and today I will find out if the treatment we've been doing the last few weeks worked (which required a fairly substantial loan because apparently working reproductive equipment is not a medical necessity so insurance covers nothing). 


We're at a cross roads, a major gate, if we don't meet certain requirements today, requirements that are completely out of our control, than we cannot continue.  My nicotine addition is FULL fledged kicking my butt since last night.  It's saying stuff like well, if the doctor says your cannot proceed and there will be no baby then why wouldn't you smoke?!  You quit to get pregnant and if you can't then you might as well smoke.  You should SMOKE.  SMOKE!! SMOKE!!! SMOKE!!!!  You liked smoking, don't you?!!!? 


It's crazy!  I don't want to smoke!  I hope I don't . God please help me.  I feel sad and weird and I keep telling myself all the stuff I learned on this site...like smoking is NOT a  stress reducer.  Everything will be the same if I smoke.  The only way out is threw.  I like being free!  NOPE!  And I don't even know if we're NOT going to be able to continue or not yet...but my addiction sure thinks we wont. 


When I get jumbled up like this it helps me to make a PRO/CON List....

PRO SmokingCON Smoking
Seems easier in social situationsI STINK and I can't go around none smokers
NostalgiaStuck as a smoker
I have a lighter in case of an apocalypseObsessed with my next smoke
They cost over $8 a pack now, almost $2,500 per year

My teeth are stained

Doctor and Dentist give me "the look"
Finger nails are stained dirty yellow
My car smells like a old gross ash tray

I either have a million lighters or none at all

I smell like a gross old ash tray


There's more but I think this covers the majors.


I hope you are all in a better mind space than me.  I just have to get back down to hours I guess.