I decided that my quit date will be February 11th, but until then I'll cut down smoking one day at a time. So yesterday I was allowed 10 cigarettes, today I can have 9, tomorrow 8 and so on.
I ended up smoking 7 cigarettes yesterday, two of them I only had three puffs from, because half way through I realized that I don't want to smoke right now. And this morning I had one, or at least I tried, but I got so dizzy after the fourth drag I put it out.
I keep on thinking that maybe I should just go cold turkey now, but this voice in the back of my head keeps on telling me I can't do it and I think I'm just not mentally ready. It's getting there (I mean why else do I find the actual act pretty appaling now?), but it's not at a hundred % yet.
I've already told my family, my partner, my friends and my colleagues. They all think it's a fantastic idea and all the non smokers are telling me that I'm making too big of a deal out of the whole thing and that I should just quit now. The smokers on the other hand respect my decision and some of them are even honest enough to say that they couldn't do it, even the thought of cutting down scares them.
All of my calenders have the date marked, I'm keeping a journal with the times of when I'm going for a cigarette and I write down why I'm having one before actually going for one. It just doesn't make any sense to me to write it down after the fact.
I'm already looking for lighters and ashtrays that I won't keep in my apartment anymore.
After moving apartments, I decided not to smoke inside anymore, so for the past 7 months I've only been smoking on my balcony, during the cold days wrapped into blankets. I even put on cloves at one point! Just so I could have a cigarette and play on my phone.
I'm now not taking my phone with me, so I'm sitting on this balcony, fully aware of what on earth I'm actually doing. Sitting there, wrapped up in a blanket with a poisonous stick in my hand that cost me a fortune, wasting my time.
Sorry, if this post is going all over the place, but that's pretty much what has been going through my head since Monday. Thoughts everywhere, mostly about "what will life be without cigarettes?", "why are you thinking about cigarettes?", "why am I having one now?", "why are you actually going outside for one now?", "can I actually do it?", "what's going to happen at the next birthday party?", "am I really strong enough?", "do I actually want to quit?", "why wouldn't I want to quit?". It feels like an endless cylce. Does this stop at some point?
