818 Days Free – Now I dream?

Blog Post created by Bree19 on May 26, 2019

I have one cousin, well I have many but this one is a heavy smoker.  We grew up almost like sisters.   All our interaction in the past (from about age 19) was surrounded by clouds of smoke and pots of coffee (and some wine).    So when my planned quit date rolled around (27 Feb 2017) she was very supportive and understood that me visiting her would be a no-no for a good long while.  All our visiting since has been telephonic.  She also lives a ways away from me (60km round trip – BUSY highway all the way), so the thought of the drive also gave me pause.


Yesterday, (anxiety or not), I was determined to make that trip and hug my cuz.  It’s been too long, I’ve missed her, they’re moving 1100 miles away in November, I’ve been smoke free for over two years – it was time. 


What a great reunion.  We both talked a mile a minute; the afternoon just flew by.  AND HER CIGARETTES DID NOT WORRY ME, NOT ONCE.


It bothered her – she kept doing the waving arm thing to disperse the smoke, kept her arm hooked over the back of her chair to keep the smoke as far away as possible…she was truly uncomfortable despite my assurances that it wasn’t bothering me, and it really didn’t bother me even a bit.  We were out on her large veranda/deck with plenty of fresh air and breezes, so I hardly smelt the smoke.  What did bother me was how often she lit up and how deep and gurgly her cough was.   She messaged me later to say how proud of me she was and hoping she could one day be as strong as I’ve been.  End of story, right?


Wrong.  Last night I had 3 separate dreams about smoking.  I know there were three because I woke up after each one, just about hyperventilating.  On this site, I’ve read about everyone’s smokemares since I quit and finally believed I was never going to have one of those.  And then on day 800+, I have THREE.  I mostly remember being surrounded by MANY people all smoking and drinking but nothing very clear.  I kept lighting up and putting out the cigs.  A couple of times while dreaming, EX came to mind and I remember worrying about coming back to ‘fess up.  Once I could even taste the cigarette.   The dreams also involved a lot of hiding of the smokes in handbags, coat pockets, kitchen cabinets, which is something I never did when I really smoked?  Strange.


Woke up this morning with a very strong smell of cigarettes in the room but thinking I was just being fanciful about it, because of the dreams.  So when I went to empty the hamper to do some laundry … WOW!! In my face.  That old, stale, grey, sad smell of smoke residue on my clothes from yesterday.  No wonder I’d had 3 dreams about it.  That awful smell was escaping the hamper and floating around me all night!


I’m so very happy to be smoke free. 

I’m so very sorry my cousin smokes so much and coughs so badly.

I will still visit her, a lot more often, but I’ll remember to put the clothes in the washer as soon as I get home!


This is what I smelt like for 40+ years?