Hi’ya to all my quit buddies.
Happy 4th of July!! Don’t read further, it’s just me venting and calming myself down.
Don’t know what else to do except blog. I’m not the most active writer here (or anywhere) but I need to talk. I’m not craving a cigarette, I just want to smoke to do something with my hands other than swiping tears off my face. I am SO anxious. It feels like I’m about to have a heart attack – I know I’m not but that’s how my anxiety makes me feel – crying and dying.
Today I start actively working on finding accommodation for Derek and myself. I have to look for somewhere we can rent, not buy. We’re going to have to scale down properly from a 3bed/2bath to a 1bed/1shower place.
Our house has been sold – not quite the price we wanted but good enough – but guys, I am physically and emotionally actually GRIEVING about leaving this house. I’m not sentimental about “stuff”. I don’t generally get attached to anything except people and animals. But every time over the last week when I go outside for my regular walks, I burst into tears just looking at the trees, the plants, the lawn (that’s busy going to hell), the house itself, the pool, the BBQ area… all the memories just come slamming into me.
Events/people/gardening/fixing/dreaming/fun times/sad times/all the animals over the years/my mom visiting nearly daily/good neighbours/Kathryn from age 7 to 30 and all her events/kiddies parties/16th/18th/21st birthdays, engagement/bridal shower/wedding preps/MANY Christmasses with brothers and family … I haven’t thought about these things in years – didn’t even really imagine I had any specific great memories to cause these overflowing emotions. But man!!! Am I crying?!! Oh and Kathryn's away on holiday in the Cape with her in laws so I don't even have my pillar of strength nearby.
I have no choice. We have to leave here. I have to find affordable accommodation for us within daily baby sitting distance of the kids. I have to make choices of what to keep, what to donate – don’t know how to even plan that! I have to phone a lot of agents to start looking for something suitable. In this anxious state I’m no good on the phone, so I’m just reading everything on the site here and in between finding/googling/noting down retirement centres and contact details as I find them, for phoning tomorrow.
That’s enough trauma for one day. I knew talking to my best friends online would help…and it did! I’ve stopped crying. I’ve moved beyond wanting a cigarette – don’t know where I’d lay my hands on them anyway.
At first this blog was going to have nothing to do with smoking, only my own over-emotional, fixer-upper using and abusing you guys. BUT – in the end it turns out I DO still need to blog about quitting. Who knew? All of you, yes I know.
So I actually have a message or example for all our quitters - 30/300 or 3000 days of freedom or still working your way towards your quit day, stay alert. This is an example of how our brains STILL can tell us that ‘just one’ will make the crying stop/make me feel a bit better/distract me/calm me down/make me think clearly/make the sadness go away/give me the courage to start all the phoning/reward myself for all the work lying ahead – all the **** your brain can think up to trip you up and allow you to smoke ‘that one only’…. Don’t listen. Do something else. Remember your toolbox. Use everything you can to turn your thoughts away from smoking.
Smoking a half hour ago would not have helped. It wouldn't have changed any of the facts mentioned above. But this is the closest I’ve come to driving to the store. 480+ DOF and I was considering starting over??? The thought of another day 1 and coming to all my mentors and friends here to confess I’ve failed and have to start again…oh no, no, no.
I drank water, walked some more, cut up a straw and sucked, cried lots, made tea and started writing.
For those who did, thanks for listening.
I feel heaps better thank you, but the tea's gone cold - sob, sigh
Love and hugs to all of you.