Just for a moment I have nothing to say about quitting. I just need to share how scared I am of having my right knee replaced. No reason. The left knee went WELL 4/5 years ago, I have full mobility and a very faint scar. I'll have the same Surgeon, Psychiatrist, Anesthetist, Physician, Radiologist, hospital, lab, Physiotherapist - and probably the same food re-heated.
My rehab went well - I was relentless about not wanting a stiff leg so did it all by the book. But you know that tone they have in their voices when they talk you awake after surgery? - slightly urgent, slightly concerned, very firm, getting even firmer and louder until you wake up just to shut them up?
Well, after the op I was in High Care for 5 days instead of 2 because on day 2 I apparently had delirium and hallucinations and also stopped breathing there for a moment and woke up to 5 doctors all shouting my name again and nurses scurryin about. They scared me, I didn't understand their concern and asked for my husband. They said no it's midnight, I'll be fine, they're not waking up an entire family. I got violent kicking, hitting out, shouting and assume they sedated me some more for misbehaving. I was told afterwards about blood oxygen levels dropping or was it blood pressure? I don't recall. The rest of my stay in hospital passed without incident and after another 5 days I came home.
Today I spent a lot of time getting hospital authorisations from Medical Aid, arranging pre-admission, making doctors' and physio appointments, arranging dates for x-rays and blood tests and everything else. So it all just came crashing back into my head with all the fear and uncertainty and worrying about dying, or not dying fast, or healing well and quickly... and...and...and...
I am so frightened and can't talk myself down. I'm just getting cold shivers and anxiety. I've taken an Ativan but still can't sleep. 25 days quit. 26 days to surgery. I'm a mess.
Thanks for listening!
