is so awful. You can't eat, you can't sleep, your stomach is upset, you are hyper-vigilant, and can be very reactive emotionally. It's a constant feeling of "flight or fight" when you know to do either is not in your best interests.
Yesterday was a stressful day for me. I wanted to get my girls' Mother's Day cards in the mail and the postman came to my house earlier than usual and they weren't ready yet. I thought about dropping them off at the little post office at the grocery store near my house on the way to work but I was concerned about being late to work. Can't predict how long the trip will take on a normal day, and with the additional task, who knows. Made me nervous just to think about trying to time it correctly, so I decided to mail them beforehand. Got them mailed but on the way back home heard a funny car noise. Checked it out when I got home and I had a flat tire. I had a couple hours before I had to get to work. Called a friend in the park if she could give me a ride...She didn't have a car either but said she could change the tire. She came over with a cigarette and lighter in hand, which I proceeded to hold for her while she started changing the tire. She was struggling and I was getting nervous she would hurt herself. I had already called my roadside assistance (wow what a process these days--you don't call to a person, all done through text messages, links to an app, etc. Stressful for this old lady). Another neighbor stopped by who said he could do it...lots of discussion...I decided to go with the professionals and told my good neighbors to stop, even though the towing place could only give an estimated time. After he left, she lit up her smoke on my patio. I was a mess by then...haven't been sleeping well, nervous about work, etc. We used to smoke together--I had bummed smokes from her in the past, bought her packs when I had borrowed a few from her (during my last few "quit attempts"). I have to say that the thought of just asking for a drag DID pass through my mind, but that's all...a passing thought. Called work to say I might be late..I got ready for work, tire got changed, all good on the outside, but I wasn't good on the inside.
I wasn't late to work, but was still an internal mess when I got there. Had multiple people telling me different things I was supposed to do besides "just" cashiering...we were off-and-on busy. I didn't calm down, really, until after my break two hours later. Couldn't remember how to do things...coworkers seeming critical to me...and my boss telling me my hair looked good (which I took to mean she doesn't like it when I wear it in a ponytail). Anyway, I was close to tears a few times but was able to hold it together. So anxious when one of my managers was talking to me that I could hardly get the words out...Deep breaths...
Stopped at Subway after work because driving home as I started to relax I realized I was hungry and hadn't had hardly anything to eat all day. I had a gift card from a neighbor for taking in their mail (whoo-hoo, big treat for me, a Subway wrap and I have to say it was delish!). Talked to the darling manager there about working retail and she gave me the names of two places where she thought I might like to work--one where her grandma worked for awhile. I am going to look into both...
Got home and remembered my phone had rung while driving to work. It was someone from my medical HMO saying they had filled my prescription for my anti-anxiety med (which I hadn't taken in years). I had sent an email Wed morning requesting a refill but had received a response from someone in my doc's office saying she was not in and that I needed to come in for an office visit to get it refilled. The first office visit wasn't for a few weeks. I was upset and wrote another message (couldn't respond to that one) saying I made the appointment as requested but wished I had kept the expired scrip because maybe it would have helped me manage the anxiety in the meantime. The med takes a few days to kick in...I have an 8 hour shift coming up at work and I'm afraid I will have a meltdown if I don't get some relief from the anxiety (haven't worked that long a shift before). I need to work to eat these days and the job is very challenging for me--both mentally and physically. I am a HSP (HIghly Sensitive Person) and may also have some ADD. I dislike labels but I react to things differently than most people...the HSP book saved my life when I read it, but since it's not recognized as a "medical" condition if you tell peeps about it, it just sounds like you're making excuses for your behavior and that you're "special".
I am rambling on and this isn't exciting stuff. I just wanted to put down in words in my blog what happened yesterday, so that I can remember it and maybe my ramblings can help another, I don't know...
1) Stress and an available opportunity to smoke: I didn't
2) God was with me, for sure: If I hadn't gone out before work, I wouldn't have known about the flat and would have missed work and impacted my place of business (we are routinely understaffed). I didn't fall down, didn't have a car accident, and was given other possible options for work that would be better for me. My script for medicine was filled, even though at first I was told "no". It will make a big difference: I will be able to sleep, eat, get off the high-anxiety rat-wheel (you know what I mean) and be able to cope better at work while I pursue other opportunities.
Oh, and I bought a book at work on "Writing What You Know"..I saw it on a display table as I was leaving and it was discounted and with my employee discount it was only $5. It's a gift I've been given and never pursued..I rewarded myself for not walking off the job--the thought passed my mind more than once yesterday--by buying that book...who knows what the future brings?
More SMOKEFREE days, for sure.
Thanks for "listening",