I'm on quit day 3 1/2 and this morning I was driving to work admiring that even though I brushed my teeth 30 minutes ago, I still had that fresh breath taste and smell. Normally I would stub out a smokey treat, do my morning routine in the bathroom, then light one up again before I left the house. All of a sudden I had this thought, "I could actually french kiss my Honey again!"
Sad as it is, I stopped enjoying those long arduous kisses a long time ago when I started thinking about how downright gross my breath must be on a regular basis when love was in the air. Then stopped kissing altogether for the most part. Even when I hug anyone, I hold my breath so they don't get a whiff - which is why I have been a gum chewer forever.
I came to a realization today, even though I know my Honey loves me and never says anything to put me down, that I am responsible for slowly choking my own love life and by default his. The kisses got shorter because of me... pulling back... not wanting to expose him to an ashtray. Those quiet afterglo conversations where you snuggle and rub noses have been long long gone. But, evidently, they weren't important enough for me to put the smokes down. That was kind of an epiphany for me today. How insidious is the addiction that can not only kill your health one inhaled breath at a time, but take the fun and love of participating in the joys of life right out from under you and you don't even recognize it.
I was 11 when I started smoking back in 1973, but I remember as a teenager there was a movie they made where everyone in a small town quit smoking and they were supposed to have sex everytime they craved a cigarette. The premise was hysterical at the time, at least to my Father. He didn't smoke but my Mother did! I wonder, is there a way to get that back? That let's go for a quickie feeling?
I watched a TED Talk recently where the scientist was saying that if you became "mindful" while you smoked, really examining the act of smoking and how it made you feel then letting it go might be easier.I never made the correlation between my smoking and that I chose it over the precious threads that hold couples truly together in intimate ways until today. I'm grateful to at least be able to see it now! What if being a nonsmoker means so much more that just not smoking and I just don't know it yet? The Boards talk of some pretty monumental things like self pride, confidence, satisfaction with life, better health and wellness but I haven't seen too many posts about Love. Amour. Amor.
I can't wait to see what quit day 4 or 5 brings.
