I can’t believe it’s day 75 already, it has gone so fast. For the most part have been doing really well. Am sleeping again, no longer feel anxious, but have gained a few pounds which I am not happy about at all. Definitely feeling the effects of No Mans Land. I thank God for my stubbornness every day as I refuse to let myself down by smoking again.
But that brings me to my challenge... Friday I fly to Virginia to visit my sister. First of all this will be my first flight ever as an adult without the whole “manic” how will I survive without a cigarette. Palm Springs Airport best ever, you go thru security and walk into huge outdoor courtyard where you can smoke right up to departure. Land in Houston, how much time before my next flight, where is the nearest exit, do I have time to run outside and get back thru security. Okay I get to Virginia finally.... walk fast, have time to race outside to have a cigarette before my luggage arrives and who cares anyway it will wait! Those who travel know exactly what I’m saying. The craziness.
Now let me share some background. My sister is 4 years older than me. Growing up that 4 years was a HUGE age gap. She had nothing to do with me. She was a cheerleader, dated the captain of the football team, voted most popular and of course prom queen. As an adult she was extremely successful, having an exciting career, making lots of money. Got to retire at age 54 collecting lots of money for the rest of her life. Made nothing but smart decisions her entire life. Me, not so much. I have looked up to her my entire life, never with jealousy always hoping that some day she would “see” me and want me in her life. Well about 10 years ago it finally happened. It still surprises her how much alike we are.... okay so here is the kicker, she and her husband smoke and a lot. In my normal life I am not around anyone that smokes. When my sister and I get together I smoked alot more cause there you can smoke in the house, car, everywhere. We sit around playing cards, Mexican train, games and you smoke. It seems like our relationship is built on smoking. We would be the 2 sneaking off to have a cigarette.
I find myself making excuses as to why I quit smoking. Like I “sold out”. Now mind you she is proud of me that I have quit. She thinks I’m incredibly strong having walked away from both alcohol and smoking, so it’s more of a “me” thing. I have just waited soooooo many years to be “accepted” by my sister I don’t want to screw up either our relationship or my quit. It’s crazy, I know it’s just the little sister thing coming back to haunt me. We never do truly grow up.
I am so excited about my vacation but this is a HUGE first of. I know when (notice I didn’t say “if”) I survive this, I can make it thru anything!
Beck
