Bdwallhau

Sorry! Oh, and EX-Text Panic

Blog Post created by Bdwallhau on Apr 4, 2018

I have been AWOL--sorry!-- and really missing EX!  

 

My laptop died. It took a while to get a new one and get everything migrated over. But, here it is, and here I am!

 

I don't do EX on my phone. I just find it too hard to interact on mobile. It's not you, EX; it's me  

 

Still smoke-free! This coming Tuesday will mark 6 weeks for me. Yay!

 

I had my first smoking dream Saturday night. Very strange. The brain amazes me.

 

Urges are still persistent, but not powerful. And, truly, I can feel that they aren't really urges. They are just patterns of behavior trying to reassert themselves. If they had an inner dialogue, it'd go like this:

 

Brain: Great meal. You really nailed that spinach-mushroom frittata. Now let's go outside and smoke.

Me: Right. Great idea. WAIT! I mean, NO! Where's my cold water?!

 

Brain: Finally got all that done. That was a lotta work!  A little bored now, plus you've earned a few minutes to relax. Let's go smoke.

Me. Okay. WAIT! I mean, NO! Ben & Jerry's. Let's go get Ben & Jerry's!!!!  WHO WANTS BEN & JERRY'S?!?!

 

Yeah. So, sometimes I remember to squelch the pattern with something healthy and useful (cold water), and other times desperation drives me to an unhealthy reward (Ben & Jerry's Coconut 7 Layer Bar. Divine.). 

 

But, so far, I have always squelched the pattern. 

 

I still feel I'm at a one-urge-at-at-time place. I don't feel I've conquered this addiction. I still take it day by day. I know I can still mess this up.

 

Which may be why an EX text made me panic.

 

I love and appreciate the EX texts.  I find them to be timely and helpful. The one I got a few minutes ago said this:

 

"Nicotine is as addictive as heroin or cocaine. Be proud of overcoming such a powerful addiction!"

 

When I read it, I just panicked. Woah, I though. Woah. I've always heard that, so it isn't exactly news to me. But, woah.

 

Inner dialogue went like this:

  • Heroin addicts, I understand, fail to quit many times before they're successful.
  • I haven't failed to quit smoking MANY times. Just a few. This is my 3rd quit. I'm going to fail! 
  • Should I have "overcome" my addiction already?! I don't feel I have. I feel like I take it day-by-day. Further proof that I'm going to fail. Dang!
  • This is hopeless. Do you know how few heroine addicts get sober and maintain sobriety?! And they have residential rehab facilities and all kinds of professional help. You're trying to do this with online help and a few lozenges a week. Crazy. Dang! 
  • Okay. Deep breath. Allow yourself pride at making it this far. You knew from the beginning that most people who start a quit do NOT keep a quit. You tried anyway. Keep trying.

 

Whew.

 

Maybe it was a good reaction to the text. Maybe it was a reminder that it's okay to be proud, but it's also important to remember that this is serious business. It's incredibly hard. So, I need to remember how hard this is. I have to remember not to let my guard down.

 

Now that I have a laptop again, I am really looking forward to some quality, horizontal couch time this weekend. I can't wait to catch up with what all of you have been up to lately. I miss everyone. I hope all are well!!!

 

All the best--Dawn

 

P.S.  No EX texts were intended to be criticized during the writing of this blog. I truly do appreciate those texts. I wouldn't change a thing about them, even if this one did shake me up a bit. Keep 'em comin'!

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