There went my resolve

Blog Post created by Baby-J on May 4, 2019

So reset my counter. I was 36 days smoke free. I dont know where to begin so heres to day one everyone which hasn't even started yet. 

I stopped the chantix about a week ago. And I am or was doing good. Had some angry moments but got over them. But tonight was different. It's that time of the month and I hate discussing that because it sounds like I'm making an excuse which. I'm not. First off sorry this might be hard to read I cannot guarantee completed thoughts or sentences so expect lots of mindless self pitting thoughts. I want a second child. We live in a secluded area so the only interaction with other kids that my son gets is when I take him here or there. Which I love doing BUT that does not replace having a friend or having a sibling. So we have behavior problems with him. Mostly typical 3 and a half year old stuff but it all comes from boredom and loneliness. So before judgement I play with my son a LOT we do arts and crafts and imaginative play and the works..but as the pediatrician has pointed out to me I am not a 3 year old nor do i or could i ever possess enough energy to properly engage him 24/ we use play dates and believe me I have put in the effort. Anyway we have kept everything from when he was little up until now we have even stockpiled diapers in preparation. My husband is dragging his feet...he says we cannot afford it right now we need more space we need to buy a bigger house and yea he is mostly right. Except he is going to wait me into too late. Too late is when he waits another year when we are in the middle of a school year or another big transition in our sons life.

 For me it is we start trying now or we dont do it at all. So I'm sitting here alone with my feelings and crying because I am coming to the realization that we are not going to have a second. And my son will feel lonely for the next year or so until he starts school and builds relationships on his own..

I am thinking what's the point in my quit. Why did I do so much here all my effort to change my life and financial situation and my husband is still telling me.its not the right time that we need this and that first and this and that takes 10 steps each and we aren't on step one of plan A so **** it...I also studied to be a registered behavior technician...classes were 100 i I thats doable...but then (I just found out) you have to pay 165 to take the competency exam with a bcba (board certified behavior analysts) 

Then you have to pay 45 to take the written exam then 50 to the BCBA to get registered so heres my pity party...the career I picked to be passionate about (helping kids with autism learn educational skills and social skills etc.) Costs an arm and a leg and I wont be able to even work without putting my son in preschool which would be my entire paycheck and we would be in the same boat of not affording to move or have a second kid. So I said to myself what's the point and **** it basically. See I got so angry at my son the other night he was refusing to go to bed and I had that glorious reminder i had meantioned above that I was once again in fact not pregnant and oh yea remember now is not the right time because we dont have this or that and you never will because you can work anymore than you are and so you will never become pregnant and he would be my only and he would be bored with me because I am in a nutshell what we all feel in our darkest hours...not enough. I am not enough. I cannot work more than I am now without putting my husband in a position where he is one on one with our son from the time I leave til I get home. I am sure there are all kinds of solutions coming to mind for you guys. And you are right and he does take him out to parks and playplace too but still my son has one friend. And that one friend is awesome but the parents are super busy they just had a second baby 4 months ago so getting our schedules to match has been tough. I am just sad and I couldnt deal with it so I smoked one of my husbands cigarettes.  I am going back on chantix tomorrow or going to the store tomorrow to buy a pack. I hope I choose right. But I probably will just do both because well **** the world.