We had some trouble in the family. I've mentioned before about my brother in previous post. Without going into too much detail things went from bad to worse and it looks a lot like goodbye to the relationship as we new it. I'm not sure what to do with all my feelings about it. Not intending to sound like a tattle tale but my grandma decided she should have ciggs. So she bought a pack. We discussed it and she said it wasnt a craving (she is on chantix and going to a support group) she said it wasnt even an urge. So I sat with that in my head for a while. Because when the news first came out about my brother I too was tempted to pick up and light up. And she is right it wasn't an urge or a craving I didnt want to smoke. It was I wanted comfort from the sadness. So I called her back about this and told her some of the things I do to relieve some of the pressures of life and some coping things I've done. For minor stresses I use a black cherry cough drop usually by the second one I'm back to normal. I also take showers I try the cough drop first and then move up the ladder. So she said the shower thing is difficult because it would mean she would have to make extra trips upstairs. And her group leader (who never smoked) told her after she told her group leader she slipped up she told her that "I understand that, if you were me you would have been at the fridge looking for something to eat"
That made a lot of sense to me because the drive is still the same the drive to feel better fast not to sit with those sad feelings. My grandmother also told me she thinks she is feeling depressed and I said " of course you are we all are this is a terrible situation and an awfulness that wont just go away" So in thinking of all this in how much effort we put into "feeling better" and coping and things like that came the question of why do we do that? Put so much effort into not feeling sad...because feeling sad sucks I know but maybe for some of us we have to feel sad for a bit. Just sit there with the sadness let it wash over you, cry if you have to but dont try to make it go away any faster than it's supposed to. Some things we need to feel suffering for. We need to feel that and stop trying 5o just cope. For me cope meant smoke until I felt better. For others its bury it deep inside and sometimes it's the fridge. We all have our ways of getting past sadness. But maybe we need to start accepting that this is sad and this is how it's supposed to feel and just be sad for a while.
I am sorry for such a sad post. But hope it helps someone who may be doing and thinking these same things as me and trying to get through the sadness to see what is on the back end of it.