After being smoke free for 8 days, I blew my quit. I wrote about it in my post called “SLIP FEELS LIKE AN AMBUSH”, so I won’t go into it again, other than to say it was a lesson I don’t want to waste.
I read articles and posts from this site a lot and contribute to them whenever I feel I have something worth saying or asking. I, also, have a personal tracking journal that I keep on my phone and computer, including affirmations and incentives, as well as things I can do when life throws me a curve ball. Still, I lost my first quit, which surprised me because I’d felt well armed and was starting to feel a sense of confidence. I was half right. What I failed to realize, though, is just how treacherous addiction, itself, can be. Consequently, I now see how it lays in wait, like a snake in the grass waiting to pounce an unsuspecting prey at its most vulnerable moment. SNAP! It’s over that fast and the snake has won.
I hate that snake. It outsmarted me. But now I know how devious and poisonous it is. If I don’t want to be gobbled up by it again, I HAVE to be smarter than it whenever life throws me another curve ball. I HAVE to be constantly cautious and aware, knowing it’s always lurking around, waiting to pounce at the least expected second. I know I’m right about that, but there’s one confusing aspect that I can’t quite figure out ... that snake has been part of my identity for years. I’ve tried getting rid of it on so many occasions only to let it sneak back into my consciousness. I know the key words here are “let it”, and I know that arming myself better, this time, is what’s going to make the difference, but I’m still afraid of the snake. More specifically, I’m afraid of my own vulnerability.
The singular thing I hold onto is that after only a week in my first quit, I could feel my breathing improve a little bit. Not a LOT, but enough that I could feel it. That’s a pretty important point for someone with COPD and sleep apnea, and it HAS to be my driving force. Maybe I will have that tattooed on my wrists.
