It has been many years since I smoked daily. But I then fell into a pattern of quits and relapses, where I binge smoked when feeling overwhelmed by stress. Maybe I could go 6 months, then a crisis happened, and I'd smoke a pack of cigarettes over a 2 day period. Or go smoke-free for 2 weeks then smoke 4 cigarettes in rapid succession and crush out the rest.
(The effect of these relapses was pretty uncomfortable. I felt sick, heart raced, horrible insomnia, sinus headaches and now it triggers hot flashes. Not to mention, shame and embarrassment for smoking yet again).
And although I've never had eating or weight issues for most of my life, I now have some difficulty with mild binge eating, that I'm using in the same way to numb out stress (OR to prevent myself from buying cigarettes).
Another part of my pattern has been to hold it together during the week, but relapse on a Friday or Saturday, due to the exhaustion or holding it together....or to reward myself for said holding it together. Sounds ridiculous.
And I was a total closet smoker.
I'm just trying to be honest here. Light reflected on these dark shadows to deal with these unhealthy patterns.
Thanks for listening:)
Anya
day 14
