Where I live now there are practically no smokers around, so I've gotten used to being in a smoke-free environment. That makes it a challenge when I enter an entirely different environment. Yesterday I went to a fantastic, all-day, all-family graduation party. It was held back in the rural county where I used to live, where almost everyone smokes. And I don't do that anymore.
I must have been subconsciously preparing for this, because all week ahead of time I'd been sort of craving again, which is weird because it's been more than a year and a half. So whenever I got that weird crave I let my mind wander to it, imagined getting cigarettes or vaping stuff, and then imagined the fallout from doing that. Once I got that done I could shake my head and say "I don't do that anymore," and move on.
(Fallout: Being a stinky mess, resuming active nicotine withdrawal, disappointing my daughter, voluntarily putting myself back into nicotine prison. How stupid!)
At the fantastic, all-day, all-family graduation party I hung out with multiple groups and in each group there were smokers. At one point I said out loud, "You guys are making me wish I still smoked." But I didn't really mean that. I only said it because it was a passing thought and I figured saying it out loud would make it go away. Which it did. Because I don't do that anymore.
I think that fighting addiction doesn't work long term because it's exhausting. Instead, the acceptance of it, owning it as part of who we are, is key to a forever quit. So when that weirdness descends I can let it in and let it bounce around in my head for a minute until I get to the eventual knowing that it's stupid and self-defeating and I don't do that anymore.
