Once upon a time I told a friend I couldn't be there for him. I was young, he was sick, and I was broken. It never occurred to me that we could be there for each other at the same time. No one told me that I could show up broken to be a blessing for my friend. I believed I had to be perfectly whole in order to help. I believed that no one would want to see me not whole. I was wrong.
Thing is, that belief never really went away entirely. I brought it here with me unknowingly. My posts have to be error-free, grammatically correct, with good syntax and rhythm. I have to post my successes, my thought processes, my progress. God forbid I post my brokenness, lest I sound self-pitying and in need of attention. There is an ingrained horror about these things.
But my friends, I am broken. And I have no uplifting message at the end of this brokenness. I have been in limbo since my husband's death 4 years ago. I force myself to go out, join things, see people, enjoy life. Which I do. I do enjoy life. But I also don't. There are parts of each day when despair creeps in, and when I can I fight it back like The Caravan Leader fights in the desert. And when I can't I have to lie down and feel it. It sucks.
I already take medication for depression. Nothing new in my life has precipitated any change in my mood. I do a self-inventory constantly to understand what's going on. But I still don't know. All I really do know is I show up here every day.
EVERY DAY. I see every one else's struggles and get encouragement and sometimes I write something.
I guess I just wanted you all to know that I really do think it's okay to show up broken, even if I don't always follow that myself.