Alicatsam

Smoke free but on the edge...

Blog Post created by Alicatsam on Jul 14, 2019

I guess it's been over 2 months since I quit smoking. Since then I have started a new job where I now feel like I can never keep up or fit in.

My clinical depression (major depression/recurring, severe emotional neglect, social anxiety, etc...) is rearing its ugly head and being very vocal.

I went adventuring with my pup this morning and did not enjoy as usual except a few seconds of amusement when he was running off the zoomies. Then we came home and I watched shows on my tablet while he napped. Then I had a crying session unrelated to sad movie moments. Just held my dog and sobbed for a few.

My thoughts are not happy today and I'm feeling especially alone in the world. No family or friends, no roots.

My healthcare pack for the new job has not arrived so I am without access to affordable therapy. 

There is really no one in my life I can call up and talk about this stuff, and I know this is not the appropriate venue for the Things I need to share with someone who understands.

 

I'm just putting it out there that I'm having an especially hard day, the hardest day I've had since I adopted my dog.

 

I'm really not sure what else to do. I'm no good talking to strangers or the few friendly acquaintances I know from the dog parks. Writing helps more, more comes out. I'm not so good at talking, the words just disappear when I try to share a thought or feeling.

I guess I'll try going out again whenever my dog gets up from his nap.

At the very least, I have my dog to cuddle with whether he likes it or not (he's not really a lapdog or super affectionate, though he's polite and usually friendly). The second thing I can/should feel good about is that I was able to quit smoking and stay quit this long, although it feels so unimportant at the moment whether I smoke or not. If/when I feel better, I'm sure it'll matter once again.

I wish I had a keyboard for my tablet. My right hand is tired from typing, so I'm out.

My dog is snoring so I feel like I need to go out for cigarettes in lieu of a walk/play session with him. There are worse things...

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