Day 9 ~ Walking on a tightrope

Blog Post created by AlexM on Jan 9, 2018

Day 9 since I quit. I was returning from work earlier and my mind would keep going on about how death is certain, and how quitting smoking won’t solve this problem. A voice inside me was saying in sarcasm: “so… you wanna live forever, don't you?”. While listening to this voice, I was subconsciously feeling like I'm no longer who I used to be. Like... nicotine and alcohol -- my best friends -- I threw them away! Then I stopped by the supermarket... “what’s one more relapse at your 18th attempt? or is it your 28th?" that voice seemed to say. "You’ll go back to not drinking and not smoking tomorrow... just relax tonight, it was a hard day.” 


This voice has always been so damn loud! So I decided to listen to it... Listen carefully. Marvel. Marvel at how much a part of myself alcohol and cigarettes came to be. And after listening to everything this voice has to say, I answered no, and went for the healthy food and drinks instead. Hmm... heard pineapple can be good in clearing the lungs, let's try that! 


To quit a lot of bad habits at once (i.e. in my case alcohol, cigarettes, unhealthy food) is a great way to avoid them triggering each other. When trying to quit bad habits individually one would easily make me give up quitting the other (maybe approached them in the wrong order). I tried this [quit-them-all approach] only once before. Lasted 5 days and after that the relapse was quite horrible: I remember I would smoke and drink almost daily.


So this time again after passing day 5 I started to feel like I’m walking on a tightrope. Relapsing again was a fear that occupied my mind quite a lot, and I would listen to the other voice in terror. Because I started smoking at 18 (currently I'm 27), that voice keeps going on about how my youthful spirit will die now that I've quit smoking and drinking, and instead, an old, sad and constantly grumpy spirit would replace it (as I kinda feel so far because of withdrawal).


But with each day that passes I’m starting to listen more and more detached to that voice -- I won't ignore it -- I will politely and decisively refuse it. If some part of me dies, I'd say let it die. Maybe there’s some way to keep young in spirit while also becoming wiser and preserving my health.


I want to do things as differently as possible this time and for the first time I want to document and share my progress, hence I plan to keep writing here about interesting thoughts/rants and... stuff that happens during my quit process. So.. hi everyone!