My Why and Why Not

Blog Post created by Acciosanity on Mar 27, 2020

I think it's important to examine past behavior when creating new habits. What provoked me to pick up the detrimental habit in the first place (or third, in this instance)?


I was 13 when I tried my first cigarette. I grew up with both parents smoking 2 packs a day in the house and car. My parents split when I was 12, and I moved in with my dad, who promptly quit smoking. So I missed the smell. Seriously. I stole cigarettes from my mom, hid them in my violin case (tip for parents there: instrument cases are excellent stash spots), and smoked before and after school. Of course eventually my dad smelled it on me, but I kept irregularly smoking until I was 16, when I started dating my first husband. I quit because it didn't fit in my life anymore. 


I started smoking the second time during my divorce. That was hands down the most horrific experience of my life, and I turned to cigarettes and alcohol for comfort. It was all bad, but there ya go. 


I quit AGAIN in 2013, when I decided once again it didn't fit in my life anymore. It's strange; I was always the one who made the decision to quit. Nobody pressured me. 


And I started again maybe 18 months ago? My depression and anxiety were out of control and trusting constant migraines so I was non functional and hating life. Plus, husband is older and his health is not good. It puts so much pressure on me. Once again seeking comfort. 


And, once again, it's not fitting in my life anymore. I miss being healthy and muscular. I miss my gym friends and feeling proud when I accomplished my physical goals. Plus, my children are 19 and 16, and I promised them I'd quit. They're my heart. My son is working in getting in shape too, so I want to continue that healthy pattern. We both promised each other at the end of last summer we'd be in better shape this summer, with a trip to waterslides as a prize for a combined weight of less than 400lbs. We're both tall and strong so that's a healthy goal. I will never be able to enjoy the waterslides if I'm having a nicotine fit. And I LOVE waterslides (if they're closed down this year I'm gonna have issues).


So the result? I need to find better coping mechanisms for stress and pain. I still love the smell of smoke, but I also love the smell of lilies and I have no desire to ingest a lily. I think my parents had me programmed from a young age to associate the smell with home. They didn't know any better. 


So it's time to stop starting and start stopping (did I just make that up? Ha!).