I wished I had not quit smoking

[Peddler]

I am closing in on 9 months without a smoke. The longest I have been in 34 years.  Please dont tell me good job or that's great. I appreciate the good thoughts but I'm really tried of hearing them when I really dont feel like it's a good thing.  I think it's the worst thing I have ever done. I always feel like shit, I dont have any motivation to do anything, I'm moody as hell, and I could go on and on.  I love being outside but now I have no desire to go outside because when I'm out there I want to smoke.  Here spring and summer is and all i can think about is wishing winter would hurry the hell up and get here, and I freaking hate winter.  Stopping smoking has changed everything about my life and not in a good way.  I know all the health benefits are good, you dont have to say all that stuff.  Smokers already know about all the health issues without having to be reminded all the time.  I am having a hard time finding happiness in my life without smoking.  Cigarettes have always been there.  They have been with me in the good, bad, happy, sad, mornings, evenings, afternoons, nights, vacations, hanging out with friends, working outdoors, camping, fishing times and the list could go on and on forever.  It's like that country song "Long neck ice cold beer never broke my heart". That's how I feel about cigarettes.  They have always been there for me.  In ever aspect of life since I was 11 years old, I am now 46. If it was not for my wife and kids giving me hell about it I would have already started back. I get tired of them always on my back about it, and yes I know its because they love me and want me to be healthier, but I look at it has they dont want me to be happy.  I would love to just go out back and set on my deck and enjoy this beautiful day, but I have no desire to do that without smoking, so here I am hanging out in the house wasting this beautiful day.  Sorry for such a long rant! Just wanted to get some thoughts off my mind. Is there anyone else out there that feels this way or am I the only one?  Thanks for reading and being a listening ear!!

[CarynS]

I 100% know exactly how you feel. I had a great quit, then at the end of a year I was fat and miserable and wanted to smoke. I was sick from hypothyroid and felt bad. Why did I waste my time doing this stupid quit. 

No rainbows and hugs from me but, if you smoke now you'll be having to start over again next time and its gonna suck next time too, so stick with it until it sucks less, and it will.

You might as well just stay on this quit. Good luck.

[Barbscloud]

I can totally associate with your experience.  

[minihorses]

CarynS‌ I also had that trip. Unfortunately I did start smoking again for 7 months.  I had to go through all the withdrawals, tune all coping measures, find the guts again.  Fast forward - 583 days of not putting any sort of nicotine in me, coping without smoking, try to be a cheerleader.  I have gained 85 lbs, my bipolar has had all sorts of fun and discord, I rarely go out. But I don't smoke and that's a big win. It's all the tiny things accomplished that can lead your mindset to go that one more second, minute,day, blah blah - you've heard that forever but it's true.  We're proof that kicking this dang killer's butt is possible for even the biggest addict. 

[linda258]

This too shall pass. Nicotine is a sweet talking liar. I don't think of him anymore but there were moments in the beginning that I thought about the old days and thought of how wonderful it was to smoke. It is the lie all addicts tell themselves.  It does get better and I can tell you I don't ever look back now and think I want to smoke. Better yet my mind does not try to convince that I want to and I actually feel bad for people who think they need or want to smoke.  It is all in your mind. How you perceive smoking will help you kill the devil. 

[Giulia]

"Nicotine is a sweet talking liar."  Ain't THAT the truth!

[Jono28]

Reading through the comments again. So many helpful caring people and I love that everyone seems to share from the heart in support of all our quits.

I mentioned at  2 weeks quit that I felt much like you in this post. I'm now on day 38 and not much has yet changed for me except maybe to say I don't wish I never quit...I'm glad I quit. Beyond glad. The health benefits will be well worth it. The problem more cleary put is I almost wish I didn't have to quit. I still feel I was happier smoking, less anxious, able to enjoy so many things more because of smoking. All wrong I know. It's beyond stupid when I read the words but I am not getting beyond it.

My point is I still get where you were coming from in your original post. Although I can't imagine going back to it, I pray we both get to a point where the emotion expressed in this post is far behind us.

[KMC56]

True words, understandable and frank.  I really thought I'd never stop p@÷$ and moaning about quitting.  Somehow, I made it, and it is because of this site where you could understandly be real and raw.  

I enjoy my deck...now...sitting with my family and friends who...smoke!  

Don't underestimate this is a horrible, rewardable fight.  You're blogs will be your salvation to freedom.

40 year smoker...4 years smoke free...and I still pinch myself, and don't ever think of myself as a person who smoked.

~Kathy

[Giulia]

Been a while since you responded to this post of yours.  What going on now for you?  Better?  Worse?  Any new thoughts to add?  Curious minds want to know.  Because we care.

[crazymama_Lori]

I fought this quitting thing tooth and nail.  I was never depressed before and fell into a deep dark place for a month.  then I started keeping track of how long it lasted and when it popped up and why.  For me, I didn't understand why this was happening.  My brain was regenerating from all the chemicals I kept hitting it with.  it was used to a constant daily dose of dopamine and now I'm depriving it.  So what to do...... Every month I purchased a little something for myself.  Nothing extravagant but something I enjoyed.  could be a wax melt or essential oil I love.  I have this thing about lilacs.  I weird candle holder that I can look at and smile or calendar with funny sayings, I think you get my drift.  I'm stimulating my dopamine receptor center.  some like to exercise.  I prefer music and old movies I haven't seen in ages that bring a laugh or smile.  Every month you'll notice the doom and gloom days get shorter and shorter.  After 4 1/2 years, I still have my moments, but I know how to snap out of them.  If you find it's lasting longer, then you might want to talk to your doctor to discuss maybe a short term antidepressant to get you through.

I was on the patch for 3 months and never had depression, but I was giving myself the nicotine.  once I went off, after a month or so, the depression started.  Makes sense, no more nicotine to give me dopamine.  I treated my quit as a science experiment.  Noting when, where and why things started and then dropped off.  I think that kept me less fixated on "the quit" and more on the solution.  Another great read is /blogs/Storm.3.1.14-blog/2015/04/14/the-grief-cycle-youre-not-going-crazy .  You can also visit other members profiles and see their bookmarks and read some there.  I have a few that I've saved to help me get through.

[KMC56]

Ohhhh..I remember that feeling all too well...I think for about a year, but I never put it out in the universe..so awesome for you for speaking your truth.

The one thing that kept  me (and still does) from lighting up, was the dread of wanting to quit sort of a..wish I would of, could of scenario in my life....again and again!

But here I am ..here 4 years smoke free..5th Memorial day smoke free, and am so thankful that I am.  I honestly thought I would be the last smoker on earth.

The other strength to staying smoke free, is my scar on my neck, from a caradic artery surgery.  Yep a stroke, 100% due to smoking.  I was 2 years smoke free then.  I'm a lucky gal, no side effects at all, but cant say that every one will be that lucky..

Sooo..hang in there my friend, you'll be thankful you did...with no regrets.

Katht