cancel
Showing results for 
Show  only  | Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Give and get support around quitting

Missashe90
Member

How to discuss with children the urge to quit?

And how to explain that the arguing with each other is a trigger?

6 Replies
CommunityAdmin
Community Manager
Community Manager

How old are the kids, for context?   Glad you’re here.

Mark

EX Community Admin Team
Missashe90
Member

9,7,5 and 3

I get that the 5 and 3 year old wouldn't get it right now but most fighting is with my two oldest anyways and my oldest has asked me to stop, and my 7 year old has been real panicky about death but not quite wrapping heath and death more so age and death, like my moms birthday was yesterday and the only thing he was saying was I don't want nana to die cause she is older now... My 5 and 3 year old are honestly chill and relaxed 70% of the time and give me no problems but my 9 and 7 year olds are always at each other and they are almost as big as me, I try to stress to them that they are stressing me out but I don't know how to break it down to them that they could help me by not always being at each other.... 

CommunityAdmin
Community Manager
Community Manager

Missashe90

Children are certainly under an abnormal amount of stress right now themselves with the coronavirus so we need to be a bit understanding to that. I'd probably look up some resources on being able to help explain that to them. I'll look to see what I have as I know I had some resources sent to me in the last month. 

I'm not sure you should add on pressure to them and inform them that their fighting is a trigger for you but rather help them through a discussion when they get impatient with each other. You quitting is your journey and need to overcome it as an adult. In a way, this quarantine is really a gift, an opportunity to bring families closer together and repair and strengthen relationships. It's hard to know what's age appropriate for your kids but I make my sons (7.5, 10,12) ask their brother what is bothering them so they learn why their sibling is getting upset. They need to learn why they're upsetting another person and then work to avoid the behavior. It's no different than they would do with their best friend at school. Somehow in their mind they prioritize the feelings of their sibling below the feelings of their friends in school, so being able to help them understand family and how friends come and go but family is important is really key. Really helping them understand why the person is getting upset and sympathize with them. I also make them sit together criss-cross applesauce and hold hands and look each other in the eyes to work it out. Usually they work it out themselves this way. If they cannot I assist them but it usually works. I'm always talking through situations with them and helping them to understand how to handle things better. Validating their feelings. Encouraging them to share their feeling of how the sibling make them feel is really good and you as an adult explaining further and helping them with those words will help too. You're their mom after all and they're probably going to listen to you too. And show emotion too.  You can also be hurt that your children aren't being kind to each other.  When a child sees their parent emotional it seems to be an instant trigger to let their guard down and be empathetic.  Being empathetic and giving them conflict resolution strategies is important. Also acknowledging when they do something well and stepping in to acknowledge their strides towards improvement is helpful as well. Maybe if they're getting upset. Set them both down on the couch, snuggle one in each arm and sit their and tell them you're going to sit their and hug until you work it out.  You'll get through a crave(it's going to take you at least 15 mins to resolve) as you're not going to let them go to get a cigarette, you're going to get in a good snuggle and they're going to gain the tools to have better future interactions.  

Mark
EX Community Manager

Mark
EX Community Manager

EX Community Admin Team
Barbscloud
Member

Great parenting advice Mark. Your boys are lucky to have you for their father.

Barb

YoungAtHeart
Member

Welcome to the community!

Here is a letter meant for an adult family member, but it contains the gist of what quitting is like, why you are doing it, and how they can help.Anacondahead's Letter to a Loved One   You might use it as the basis for your talk with them, changing it up so that it's age appropriate.  Kids are always going to be kids and you can only control how YOU react to their antics!  You can try slow/deep breaths, going slower and deeper with each, or march in place (get them to join you?) to get past a stress-induced crave.  You might get everybody out of the house and go for a walk with you - even around the block....maybe take some pots and pans to bang on to make a parade?  You didn't say if you have already quit or are in the planning stage, so I will give you the information I give to all who are preparing to quit. 

 

The important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This easy and entertaining read provided a world of good information about nicotine addiction, most of which I was not aware.  I credit it in large part with my success at quitting.   You can search for it online or at your local library.


 You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmoking.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.

 

After you have completed the recommended reading, it will be time to make an informed choice of the quit aid, if any, you will use. If you go that route, I personally recommend the aids that don't let the addict control the dose such as the available prescription drugs or the patch. If used properly, gum, lozenges and inhalers are fine, but they need to be used only as a last resort after you have tried to delay and distract.   I have seen folks become addicted to them if they substitute them for every cigarette they used to smoke - just trading one addiction for another.  You need to start out with a plan to reduce use of them over time - which the patch does by decreasing the dose contained in them..  For the gum, you can start by cutting each piece in half, then in quarters, then sub regular gum of the same flavor in between, adding more and more regular gum.  For the lozenge, you need to start subbing a mint in between to begin, increasing the number of them over time. I do not recommend the e-cigarette for obvious reasons.

It will be informative if you do the tracking and separation exercises recommended here on the site. As you track each cigarette smoked, note its importance, and what you might do instead. Put each one off just a little to prove that you don't NEED a cigarette just because you think you do.
 

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.
 
You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:
 https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...


The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.


Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!


 Nancy

elvan
Member

You have gotten some great advice.  Please do the reading and you might explain to the kids that you might be a little crabby for a while.  I am not sure if I would tell them that their fighting triggers you because that is giving them the responsibility for your quit and they are certainly not capable of handling that.  This really is a tense time and I am sure they are feeling it too...I am not talking about the smoking now.  Stay close to the site, blog often, reach out and remember that this is a journey and not an event and you are not on this journey alone.  WOW...four kids, you are amazing, hope you know that!

Welcome to EX.

Ellen

0 Kudos