Not that I don’t appreciate all the advice and support, or that I don’t get invaluable tools from people who have succeeded, but I don’t see many posts from people who are still in the thick of it, like I am, and I feel like I would benefit from an accountability partner or partners. Someone who’s going through the same things at the same time.
I’ve been on the other side of quitting before, and I know how good it feels to be a non smoker. And I know all the things tripping me up right now are the addition poisoning my mind. No one has ever quit with me before, but I’d like to try it to see if it helps.
I’ve set several quit dates and they’ve come and gone. I can’t help but get discouraged after each failure, even though I know this is a process and I’m not throwing in the towel. I let myself get angry, sad, etc, then I pick myself up and try again a day or two later.
Just for an update, I guess, in the last three weeks I’ve tried the following things without success:
- Cold turkey- this is how I’ve always quit in the past
- Zyban- awful side effects that, in hindsight, crippled my quit for two weeks. I was suicidal, was having symptoms of dementia, feeling that myself and everything around me wasn’t real, I hated everything I looked at: my house, my family, myself. It was an absolute psychotic nightmare. And I didn’t even notice. My mom told me after about a week and a half that I didn’t seem right. Then I looked back on all my suicidal thoughts etc, of the last week and said “wow, you’re right!” On top of all that, it did absolutely nothing for my smoking cravings. Because of my existing mental illness and chemistry, I don’t think Zyban or Chantix are for me.
- nicotine gum- probably going to be my go-to aid because it works to take the edge off without any bad side effects.
- juul- works well but the guilt of the dangers give me that “well, I might as well smoke real cigarettes if I’m going to do something harmful” outlook, so I end up just smoking again. 
- patches- helped but gave me painful radiating muscle spasms in whatever appendage it was on, even step 3.
- cutting back- I’m like a compulsive maniac. 
. When I feel like I can’t smoke or try to limit it, I want to do it more. I end up binging.
- Easy Way book- I’ve read it 2.5 times now
- I have nicotine lozenges that I’m going to try next.
So that’s where I am. Still here and still trying. Embarrassed that I’m not one of the ones celebrating days quit. Wondering if there’s anyone active on here going through the same. Trying to stay accountable even though I’d like to just never log into here again so I don’t feel guilty or like a failure amongst all these very kind and lovely successful quitters 
.
Michelle
