Getting at wits end

Discussion created by Gwenivere on Jan 17, 2019
Latest reply on Jan 27, 2019 by elvan

Like • Show 2 Likes2
Comment • 66

I’m now well into my 5th week of the 14mg patches and lozenges as needed. What I am finding is NOW I want to smoke. I’m tired of this half ass withdrawl and confused why my body has not adapted in all this time. Why am I bothering? I can’t breathe any better. In fact my pulmonologist put me on more oxygen. I want to live in the shower from cold sweats. I want to sleep to escape the extreme depression. My back is getting so bad that I can barely walk anymore. The pain was bad before, but definitely more so since this quit. If feeling suffocated wasn’t so horrible I’d probably say screw it and bail. Last time I talked to my quit coach they said add more lozenges. I haven’t because they feel like too much. Like chain smoking and nauseous. I was in the drug store and a woman there heard me say something about quitting and said what I hear here. Best decision I could make. Wish I felt that because I sure don’t this week. 50+ days, BFD.

Outcomes

66 Replies

Gwenivere Jan 17, 2019 10:31 PM
Oh, and there’s a myriad of other problems going on to tend to in this brain fog. I’m surprised I can pull off being semi sane right now.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
Sootie Jan 17, 2019 11:13 PM
Hello Gwenivere- I hope my response doesn't make things worse for you. I have read most of your blogs but I don't think (memory going!) that I have ever commented. I do know you are not interested in getting rid of the nicotine addiction....you rgoal is to stop actual smoking because of the breathing issues. So----I'm not sure what to tell you but I thought I would let you know someone is out here and "reading" you!
I know you said your pulmonologist put you on more oxygen.....that your breathing is no better. But----I'll bet your pulmonologist did not say..........go ahead and smoke. You're at a low point and I understand....I really do. But, sounds like you may have more lung damage than 50 days of quit can fix. 50 days is GREAT!!! FANTASTIC! But let's face it------we all smoked more than 50 days. The damage we inflicted on ourselves took years. So maybe....give it more than 50 days for some healing and feeling better?
And I'm sure you are saying "easy for you to say"----and I don't blame you. When someone on here is in the pain you are in, I do feel my words are sometimes insignificant. But I hope you will hang in. I know these are bad days and I will keep you in my prayers. But quitting smoking can only do you good.......it just takes awhile to get to the good.
Now----if you would permit me----may I just add an opinion that you can feel free to totally disregard? Just give some thought......just thought.....to actually stopping the nicotine. I feel as if you and your coach have come to believe that if you do, the withdrawal will definitely make you smoke. Why? Just asking.....really......no judgement. You have no more chance of smoking than the rest of us. So why not get off the nicotine? Smoking is bad.......but nicotine also is not a natural substance for our bodies. You will never really get the full benefit of quitting smoking if you don't get rid of the nicotine as well. Patches, lozenges and your poor body struggling with breathing problems. Wouldn't it be a relief to just be done with both? Yes, the withdrawal can be tough.....but not impossible! I think you feel like smoking because except for the cigarette.....you really haven't gotten rid of the "smoking". You are still waiting for something else----patch, lozenge---to make you feel good, feel better. I just don't think they are going to. I think you would feel much better without those un-natural substances in your body. ANYWAY----just my thoughts. I know that anyone can quit smoking and by that I mean the nicotine addiction too. And I know you can also.
However----I respect your choice and hope you know I only wish you well. One thing you said really struck me.......feeling suffocated is so horrible---------------------I GUESS SO! Please........stay strong with your quit from smoking and seek support here whenever you need it.
7 people found this helpful
Like • Show 7 Likes7
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Sootie on Jan 18, 2019 3:57 AM
  Thank you, Sootie. I have thought about cutting the nicotine out completely. My longer term goal. Since this quit was forced on me, no prep time, I just wanted to not be inhaling anything but air as a start. I actually couldn’t have envisioned this long or at all. I just get so darned frustrated that my body will not accept this only way it’s going to get what it wants. I’m also so worn out from so many things I don’t think I could handle doing a cold quit now. I don’t have my partner anymore to pick up the slack on anything like the dogs, keeping a livable house, buy food.
  
  My pulminologist thinks this is a progression of my existing disease (not caused by smoking, but certainly not helped by it) and very happy I’m not smoking, but she wants to do infusions that will lower my immune system to calm inflammation. Problem is they contain steroids which I cannot tolerate and if I could, leave me more vulnerable to infections. It’s all very confusing to me.
  
  I appreciate your hearing me tonight and your thoughts.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 4 Likes4
  Actions
  - Marilyn.H.July.14.14. @ Gwenivere on Jan 18, 2019 7:04 AM
    I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this but I'm also very proud of you for your 50+ Smokefree days that's wonderful, keep moving forward stacking up those precious DOF it's definetly going to take time to relearn life without the smokes BUT boy oh boy it's so worth it. ....
    1 person found this helpful
    Like • Show 3 Likes3
    Actions
Barbscloud Jan 18, 2019 6:49 AM
Gwen, wish there was someway to make this easier for you. I know you're really having a difficult time, but 50+ days is quite an accomplishment. Try focusing on your success, because it's pretty amazing that you're not smoking with all these stressors. Not smoking can only be beneficial, even though it make take some time for you to feel it.
Barb
4 people found this helpful
Like • Show 4 Likes4
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Barbscloud on Jan 18, 2019 9:53 PM
  I was once a patient, overly so, person. This thing sure took that away.
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
sweetplt Jan 18, 2019 7:49 AM
I am so oh sorry you are feeling this way hon. I feel whether you smoke or not you would be feeling sick. And I can only think smoking would make it worse. It is the nicodemon wanting you to believe his lies. Could you along with not breathing well etc be experiencing anxiety on top of everything? I have asthma and when I have attack I get double whammy can’t breath then along the way (not to mention medicine for breathing) I get anxiety. Just throwing out to you because I hurt for you...gotcha in my heart.
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 2 Likes2
Actions
- Gwenivere @ sweetplt on Jan 18, 2019 4:28 PM
  Yes, I have Panic Disorder. 30 years now and on meds for it. Always gets worse in high stress situations. I think this qualifies. I hear you on the asthma, it is a double whammy and the. Worst feeling. Thank you for your observation. Spot on.
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
AnnetteMM Jan 18, 2019 10:30 AM
confused why my body has not adapted in all this time

What did you expect your body to do, stop wanting nicotine? That's not how addiction works! As long as you feed the nicotine receptors in your brain, the addiction is active. Feed the addiction and it triggers withdrawal. You won't be completely done with it until you're completely done with it.
Like • Show 3 Likes3
Actions
- Gwenivere @ AnnetteMM on Jan 18, 2019 5:36 PM
  Ouch. I’m not an idiot about addiction.
  
  My point was that replacing the cigs with NRT went awry this past week. Almost like im not using any. Regardless of your stance on my chosen method (cigs first, then nicotine) my point is my body is getting what it did and I’m baffled as to why it got so intense this week. I was seeking help from anyone that may have had this happen.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
  - anaussiemom @ Gwenivere on Jan 18, 2019 10:11 PM
    It is ok Jen! You are hanging steadfast and tough!! There is support here. No you are not an idiot! Steroids and asthma, and inhalers definitely not helping with anxiety. At least for me it would not!!
    
    You do have support from me and many others. Keep moving forward like you are. You seem to have lots of help and support in your life right now which is so good, and very healing. Your doing great Jen!!
    
    Gwenivere Kudos to your courage, strength, and hanging on tight. Hugs and you are not alone!! Anxiety can make your nerves and imagination work overtime too. Your doing excellent with all that is on your plate!~!! hugs hugs hugs
    1 person found this helpful
    Like • Show 1 Like1
    Actions
    - anaussiemom @ anaussiemom on Jan 18, 2019 10:28 PM
      Perhaps knitting, its a good choice! Deep slow breathing, it will help so much. I hate doing this. I hold my breath a lot thru out the day, breathing slowly drives me nuts but it helps.
      Like • Show 0 Likes0
      Actions
  - AnnetteMM @ Gwenivere on Jan 19, 2019 10:27 AM
    Oh man, I'm so sorry I caused an ouch. My bad!
    Like • Show 1 Like1
    Actions
JACKIE1-25-15 Jan 18, 2019 12:31 PM
Not much left to say. I think Sootie along with others has given the best possible advice that can be given. EXcept, hang tough, stay close do not give in do not give up no matter what NOPE. This too shall pass.
2 people found this helpful
Like • Show 3 Likes3
Actions
Christine13 Jan 18, 2019 6:12 PM
you are in No Man's Land! Maybe that's why you are craving more. I think you have done wonderful to get to 50 days.
Please don't give up on your quit, I have been agoraphobic, in past years, and I hear you on the anxiety thing, and the depression too. Fight on to live another day!! I will too. Don't give up because you are not seeing the benefits, they are there! Some people need to be on NRT's longer, please try to distract yourself.
xo I feel for you.
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 4 Likes4
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Christine13 on Jan 18, 2019 10:03 PM
  I was recently reading that you can extend the patches another few weeks if this happens and my doc says fine. Oh my, it is the agoraphobia thing I worry about. I’m always glad I do because I had a short stint with that van it’s not living. I called the Quit coach which was useless. Frustrated me more with her suggestions. I don’t call for suggestions, I called wanting an answer for why this is happening. I just bite my tongue as being disabled being told to get a manicure, pedicure, exercise don’t go with degeneration of your back. The silver lining is I can still say now I do not want to light a cigarette. Thanks, Christine.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
elvan Jan 18, 2019 7:25 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this, I WISH I had answers but I don't. I did not use NRT's so my experience is only second hand. I really want you to stick with this, stay close to the site and I so want you to get better and to actually FEEL better. I know how frustrated I was that I was not getting better but I did not want to smoke, the whole idea of it terrified me and still does. I don't even want to be around it. Honestly, I AM afraid of it, I am not afraid that I will smoke, I am afraid that I have so much damage to my lungs that I would not have a fighting chance against the smoke. My husband quit smoking over 29 years ago, he just had a chest xray on Monday that showed emphysemic changes...the theory is that it is from all of the time he spent in our burned out house. I spent MUCH LESS time than he did but the exposure to those burned things would send me into an asthma attack every time. Smoke is a killer...I realize that are a lot of other things that put us at risk but we are not in control of everything, we CAN control our smoking. I wonder if you either got a "bad batch" of patches or if, for some reason, the nicotine is not absorbing the way it was. I guess I would suggest moving the patches to different sites and see if there is any response. I wish I had more.
Hugs,
Ellen
2 people found this helpful
Like • Show 2 Likes2
Actions
- Gwenivere @ elvan on Jan 19, 2019 3:55 AM
  Thanks Ellen. I am moving the patch around. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Hugs back at ya.
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
crazymama_Lori Jan 18, 2019 8:25 PM
I would get off the lozenges and just stick with the patch. I think what the problem is, is that you're giving yourself 14 mg of sustained release nicotine and then periodically adding more nicotine by the lozenge. Your brain is going, oh, cool, we're getting more again and you're on that roller coaster of peaks and valleys. stick with the patch only. I wore mine for the full 24 hours. The first couple months I distracted myself. The first month was the hardest for me. but I made a list of things I neglected over the years, washing walls, windows, ripping off shelving paper, repapering shelves, taking off wallpaper, washing curtains, rehanging curtains. Just physical busy work and made mental note of how much time had passed without me thinking of smoking.

I replaced my ritual of smoking after completing something by chewing on a toothpick. replaced smoking after meals with popping gum in my mouth. replaced smoking when frustrated by clicking a pen. I did all of these the same way for each time over and over. Before too long, I found myself looking for a pen when frustrated and not even think of smoking. I was simply retraining my brain. When I was hit with a really bad urge, I just closed my eyes and did a deep breathing exercise and reflected on what was truly bothering me at the time that made me instantly think of smoking as my solution and did something about it. Trust the Process I was the queen of chasing my tail in the first 6 months. I was the master of trying to find anything and everything to make this simply go away. When I finally was able to relax and allow it to take its course and all the time it needs and know that this will be a life-long process, but more importantly a learning process, I let go.
2 people found this helpful
Like • Show 2 Likes2
Actions
- Gwenivere @ crazymama_Lori on Jan 18, 2019 10:23 PM
  I’m on the 14’s, but take them off overnight. So when I add in the lozenges it’s about 14 for the whole day. I’m going to stick with the program, but eventually I’d like to just use lozenges as I can control those. That is how I started before committing. Got to 3 cigs a day and those. Said this is kinda ridiculous and slapped on a patch. I did call the manufacturer to let them know. But as Ellen and others have pointed out, there is the anxiety issue as well. I have to get creative on things to do my body will allow. I’d love to clean out my fur covered car but I can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. I do push it to my own expense. I’m not a good bum. One of my dogs follows me everywhere as she senses there is something wrong. Maybe she’s trying to tell me to knock off the heroic attempts and rest more. I don’t have an oral fixation need and I play games on my iPad when sitting. You are right, finding something to do with your hands is a tough one. How many pens have you worn out? Thanks, Lori.
  Like • Show 0 Likes0
  Actions
  - Mandolinrain @ Gwenivere on Jan 18, 2019 11:34 PM
    How about trying to knit or crochet or learn guitar or mandolin? Many online classes that are free to keep hands busy
    Prayers up for you
    1 person found this helpful
    Like • Show 2 Likes2
    Actions
    - Gwenivere @ Mandolinrain on Jan 19, 2019 3:35 AM
      I’m trying to envision me knitting. It made me laugh because as a kid I remember my scarves getting skinnier and skinnier because of not getting something I was supposed to add. Thanks for that memory.
      Like • Show 2 Likes2
      Actions
  - crazymama_Lori @ Gwenivere on Jan 19, 2019 9:08 AM
    I've worn out quite a few pens. But I'll be honest with you, I think every single one of us have gone through what you're going through. You're at the stage of bargaining. I did a lot of reading and researching on how alcoholics and drug addicts deal with their addictions and the stages they go through. We, as smokers, really do go through the same stages. It's much like going through the stages of grief. I know I went through the bargaining stage. I wrote Just for you newbies and those in NML (No Man's Land) to track every 30 days or so what was going through my brain. I would go back to a lot of my bookmarks when I was struggling. You can view member's bookmarks by going into their profiles and clicking on the bookmark tab. I learned a lot by going back through people's profiles and going back to the very beginning and saw similiarities. I have a daughter that has anxiety disorder. So I think that's why I'm drawn to you. Just try to take quitting each moment at a time, not looking back and not looking forward. The frustrating thing about quitting is that it's such a personalized thing. It's not as simple as here take this pill or do this and poof it will be gone. Everybody used smoking for something different. Understanding that "something different" is the hardest part and only you can do that. I know with myself buying myself a notebook and writing down what I was feeling at the time helped. By the time I was done, the anxiety was gone, I worked my problem out myself and I felt better. it's just a tip we used in a psych class I took years and years ago.
    4 people found this helpful
    Like • Show 3 Likes3
    Actions
Giulia Jan 18, 2019 11:32 PM
I'm so tempted to say, hey, you wanna smoke that bad - so SMOKE. That's really what I think you'd like to hear, maybe? Permission to do so? Maybe not, but that's how I'm interpreting this in my own brain. 'Cause I've been in that mindset myself. (It's ok if I'm wrong on that score. And if so, I'm sorry. I just see so many excuses in your "wits end" list. You can't breathe any better, you're on more oxygen, you have cold sweats and more depression, you're back is hurting you more.... ) We can't give you that permission to smoke. Only YOU give yourself that. I hope you don't. And the fact that you've put up this blog is your obvious attempt to stay smoke free.

Why are you bothering? That's the ultimate question you need to answer for yourself in order to overcome this. We were all tired of the half-assed withdrawal. The back and forth, the ENDLESS internal dialogue. I believe that it is only when we get to that very hard point within ourselves that we can accept the - NO MATTER WHAT - aspect of this journey. And that is when the inner dialogue ceases and we can begin the acceptance of the necessary requirements needed to become free of this addiction.

I don't suffer from panic attacks. I haven't a clue as to what that feels like. I can imagine, how awful it must be, however. And it is harder for those who have psychological disorders to overcome this addiction. But you CAN, is my point. I want you to want this for yourself as so many of us who have responded want it for you.
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 3 Likes3
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Giulia on Jan 19, 2019 3:32 AM
  I’m having some tough days, but I don’t want to smoke and haven’t. No I wasn’t asking if I should. There are so many facets to a persons life beyond smoking. I come here for help with that.
  
  If you never had a panic attack, you cannot imagine it. It’s like when people say they can imagine watching thier spouse die as I did. Nope.
  
  Please keep in mind something you may may have forgotten. We’re all just mere mortals and stumble a lot. I’ve seen it time and time again here. I get the feeling I rub you the wrong way for some reason. I can’t apologize for things beyond my control I am trying to juggle with this. For whatever reason I elicited this response, I am sorry.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 3 Likes3
  Actions
shashort Jan 19, 2019 2:42 PM
Gwenivere I so feel what your going through with the exception of panic disorder ( as I don't suffer from them) but all in the same breath I think I may had symptoms of it when I quit. I remember in the beginning the struggles were real, I didn't like the process and I fought it. I remember even thinking dang my life seemed so much easier, when I smoked as I didn't remembering having so many life crisis (my nicotine brain lying to me). Your in No Man's Land and what you feel is normal. I know I struggled past my 100 days mark. A lot of my problems were the denial and acceptance stage.I had the poor me thing going on and I too had lots of medical issues going on and having to learn how to deal with losing my fingers. But I too had lots of breathing problems which led to my quitting. Question for you: Did you have a lot of severe panic attacks before you smoked? How did you handle them? We as smokers adapted to smoking to make us feel better and basically avoid the issue at hand. As EX smokers we have to learn how to deal with life crisis without a cigarette in hand. Again we know this is hard but find things to occupy your mind. I know you said you can't get up and exercise, but can you raise your arms while sitting? Maybe try simulating arm motions of jumping jacks sitting down, doing arm raises,arm circles, do leg raises while sitting, any movement you can do can release dopamine which will help you. Get creative finding things to do to keep your mind busy, such as, staying on site reading and blogging (which you doing a great job with), you don't have to be alone we are here for you. I wish I could tell you step by step how to feel better but unfortunately all our quits are different. We can only tell our experiences and what we did in hopes to help you. What I did was adapt NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS NOPE IS MY WAY OF LIFE!! I SANG AND SHOUTED NOPE NOPE AND NOPE! Punch pillows if you have to to release frustrations, soak in a warm bubble bath always made me feel better. Tell yourself positive things like I CAN, you may not believe at first but the more you tell yourself YOU CAN then you will start to believe it. Believe it or not life is a lot better once you get through the ugly process. As everyone always told me you gave to go through it to get to easier better living. Its hard to see this better living in the beginnng and middle days of your quit BUT LIFE DOES GET BETTER. Sorry didn't mean to write a book, just wanted you to know we can really relate to your struggles and know they are real but it is very possible to get through just have yo be patient. Hugs and stay close. We are here for you.
5 people found this helpful
Like • Show 4 Likes4
Actions
shashort Jan 19, 2019 2:44 PM
PS: Congratulations on making it in 50+ days as an EX. Baby steps girl YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 3 Likes3
Actions
indingrl.01.06.2011 Jan 19, 2019 3:19 PM
CONGRATS GWENIEVE ON 50+ DAYS!!! Good to read your blog and update info - GOOD JOB quitting with YOUR OWN PLAN- WAY TO GO!!!! Yahooooo
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 1 Like1
Actions
Giulia Jan 19, 2019 4:30 PM
Quite right. I can't imagine what a panic attack is really like. You made an excellent point. Rather glib and dumb thing for me to say. I'm sorry.

But I am well aware that we are all mortals and stumble. What, you think I haven't? What I'm trying to do is help you stand up straight and sure and not stumble. You don't rub me the wrong way, but your attitude about this journey does. Because I think it's a self-defeating one. I don't think it's helping you, I think it's hurting you. Some examples:

Oct. 11th: "This isn’t a good time to quit "
Oct. 13 "are there times the cravings don’t subside in a reasonable time?"
Nov. 5 " I was just reading another thread about people well into a year if this and still feeling awful."
Nov. 22 "this was a forced quit at the hardest time of year" " I wish I had a good motivation for doing this."
Dec. 8 "I know there are no magic time frames, but is there some light in the future that this will start to turn around?"

Dec. 13 "  At day 12, I read the 2nd week wasn’t going to be as much better than I thought. True. Now I’ve run across a thread about No Mans Land at about 30 days and how hard a passage that could be for a long time. It’s hard to keep up a good mental attitude when I keep hearing it’s going to possibly get even harder." ..."This quit was not planned. I had no choice so maybe that is playing into it?"

Jan. 3 "I didn’t expect Nirvana, but I sure didn’t know it could feel even harder."
Jan. 19 "Wish I felt that because I sure don’t this week. 50+ days, BFD."

Do you hear the negativity? Am I wrong? This is not to say that we shouldn't vent our frustrations and express the difficulties we're having. Of course we need to do that. But we can also talk ourselves into a miserable quit experience if we stay on that track. And this is what I think you're doing. I think you keep reinforcing how difficult quitting is. Just by the very questions you ask. I sense that you wish so very much that all the symptoms you're experiencing in this quit were not so. That you keep hoping that one day you'll wake up and it'll all be over. We all wished that. But that's not the nature of the journey.

If you could just keep working on accepting the "no matter what" aspect of this, I think it would benefit you. Many here had to constantly reinforce that during their process. "I'm in it for the long haul - no matter how long it takes." You sort of have to give yourself up to it.

Don't say "50+ days, BFD" say rather - "50+ days HOW GREAT IS THAT! I'M DOING THIS!"  Reinforce THAT, even if you don’t particularly feel it. Fifty days is extraordinarily amazing. One day is an accomplishment. But 50?!! Pat yourself on the back.

I have a sticky note on a bookshelf in my office from when I quit. It says ATTITUDE STUPID! I have another that says "spirituality of intent." Another that says "Life happens for you, not to you." I surround myself with bits of words that help to remind me of the fact that it's my perception that creates my reality. And so I must be ever mindful of that perception. Because I can lost in negativity very easily. I just .... want to help. Sorry if it's having the complete opposite effect.

Positive Self Talk
The Messages We Send Ourselves: Harnessing the Power of Positive Self -Talk
5 people found this helpful
Like • Show 5 Likes5
Actions
- anaussiemom @ Giulia on Jan 19, 2019 4:58 PM
  Giulia 's quotes, of what we write sometimes makes me . Giulia is spot on"! It is true Jen. The self talk is so important in RE-Training the Brain, of the thoughts and addiction process.
  It does work!! To say positive affirmations, vision it, hold the thought 5 secs. ...
  
  Somehow yo have to get thru the anxious thinking part of your brain, thru your therapy, what have you. Learning to say just a small NOPE, can help retrain the anxious brain thoughts.....
  
  Lots of water and breathing. The hardest 2 things for me to do. I tend to hold my breath, not even aware most times. Not to good with sipping a lot either. I've never been one to sip on things thru out the day..
  
  Jen Please! Help save your life!!!
  Positive affirmations, or anything you want to do in near future, hold the thought, breathe, It helps Jen!! It gives you back your power over some of your thinking.
  
  Please try. Hugs Hugs Hugs.
  
  2 people found this helpful
  Like • Show 6 Likes6
  Actions
  - Gwenivere @ anaussiemom on Jan 19, 2019 10:20 PM
    Thank you, Kim, you are such a sweetheart. I’m taking all this negativity stuff in. Seeing how it is a hinderance.
    Like • Show 0 Likes0
    Actions
- Gwenivere @ Giulia on Jan 19, 2019 10:40 PM
  Guilia, I can’t remember when I joined, but I take your word for all the quotes from me. You are correct, I have become very negative and it’s affecting every aspect of my life. You know what is doing it more than the quit? The never ending pain that has me stooped, limping, afraid to take showers for falling makes distractions hard to come by. This has gotten so bad in the last week when I really started whining. The first month the withdrawals were bad, but they were all I had to fight thru. Other stressors like more oxygen and being unable to volunteer as I did add to the pile.
  
  So I need to find a way to accept/fix what I can about all this. I do regret saying BFD on 50 days. I never knew I had it in me. The very fact I don’t want to go back to smoking even if I was miraculously freed from the other stuff. I like not breathing smoke anymore. It’s really not a temptation. Hope it stays that way.
  
  Ive got stickers and signs up for other things, guess it’s time for some about my attitude. Tho finding a good attitude about pain will be tough. I’ll have to focus on that in counseling.
  
  The fact i have frustrated you tells me you care, and that I truly appreciate.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
Giulia Jan 20, 2019 12:40 AM
"The fact i have frustrated you tells me you care" You got that right! I went back and read every one of your blogs. That's where I copied the quotes from. I care. I didn't spend the time to pull them out just to be mean.

I don't have an answer for you physical pain. I wish I did. There are others here who are in constant pain that can better help you with that. And yes, finding a good attitude about that is tough. But even with that - I think we need fight against the negative thinking of it. Somehow. I'm fine with short-term pain. Or when I know that it's gonna take X weeks or months of recovery after an operation. Sort of like with quitting. I just said, ok, it takes as long as it takes. But at least I knew, I trusted, that the unpleasantness of it would eventually end. But when there's no given parameter - I don't know how to handle it. Except to eventually say "frick it!" I'm gonna get on with my life no matter what. It hurts, it hurts. And it hurts. I think of Chris Reeve (Superman) with whom I worked in Williamstown. Nicest guy in the whole world. And how his whole life was changed after his horse accident. And how he turned it into a positive experience for others. And I guess it gave him spiritual and heart nourishment, despite the debility.

The fact that you're fighting constant pain and constant withdrawals is - it's an added burden. But know that the constant withdrawals with eventually ebb. And I hope your need for oxygen will ebb also through remaining smoke free and perhaps getting some pulmonary rehab?

I am really sorry you are suffering so. When I'm having a really hard time and stop the thoughts long enough to step back, one of the things that has helped me is to say to myself, "there's a reason why I'm going through this. What is it I need to learn from this experience." And usually I can come up with an answer. And it eases the pain. For I think that we've all been put here to learn something. That's our purpose as spirits. To grow.
3 people found this helpful
Like • Show 5 Likes5
Actions
Pawr Jan 20, 2019 8:48 AM
Hi,
I'm going to be honest and say we are some sorry ass addicts. I haven't smoked since Dec.4 so you and I are around the same starting point. I am doing this the same as you quitting the smokes and then the nicotine. This sucks. Maybe we're taking the long road instead of just going cold Turkey, but I'm pretty sure that I would fold on that. In my case I'm taking wellbutrin and literally chewing gum almost constantly although I have tapered off.
I am 61 and have smoked for a bit over 40 years.
I really don't want to quit. I quit because I was noticing that I was wheezing and had recently picked up a dry cough.
Not to the point of being on O2, no surgery yet, no heart attacks no cancer. Those are coming up almost certainly if I continue, maybe not if I can stay off the smokes.
I'm 61 and I miss my ******* "binkie".
Keep doing this for you lady. Nobody else gets it and they think it's a done deal after the initial celebrations are over.
2 people found this helpful
Like • Show 2 Likes2
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Pawr on Jan 20, 2019 5:39 PM
  Hi Pawr,
  we do sound like twins in how we are doing this. Different delivery systems, but that’s about it. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before but it hit me as a 'duh!' moment this morning that I totally controlled my delivery when smoking. Yes, the addiction spurred me, but I chose the moment to light up. My body is not used to nicotine dripping in all day on the patches. I don’t know if the gum makes you feel sick at times, but the lozenges do me and I’m only using 4-5 a day. In another stumble to the living room day in this, my addled brain thought for the first time I was going to sit down and have a smoke like months ago. I was shocked my cigs and lighter weren’t on the table. Plus I wanted one so much. I’m starting to notice people smoking and wanting it back. I’ve been reminded here it takes much patience. Getting thin on that. But it’s right it took years to get here so it’s not going to be easily undone. Some days I just feel tested that this will be worth it. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has felt that. Younhang in there too.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
  - Pawr @ Gwenivere on Jan 20, 2019 8:53 PM
    Watching others smoke actually helps me a bit. Looks a bit silly. Imagine you are transported to another world where the atmosphere is cigarette smoke. Imagine how crappy things would smell and how it would affect your body. I guess it would look like the sky does in L.A. at times.We age fast enough. I had a nice bonus surprise this week. Losing a tooth, basically a healthy tooth, due to smoking related bone loss.Dumb
    
    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
    
    On Sun, Jan 20, 2019 at 6:20 PM, anaussiemom<communityadmin@becomeanex.org> wrote:
    #yiv9027362802 * #yiv9027362802 a #yiv9027362802 body {font-family:Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;}#yiv9027362802 #yiv9027362802 h1, #yiv9027362802 h2, #yiv9027362802 h3, #yiv9027362802 h4, #yiv9027362802 h5, #yiv9027362802 h6, #yiv9027362802 p, #yiv9027362802 hr {}#yiv9027362802 .yiv9027362802button td {}
    |
    
    BecomeAnEX
    
    |
    Getting at wits end
    
    anaussiemom marked Gwenivere's reply on Getting at wits end as helpful. View the full reply
    Marked as helpful:
    Hi Pawr,
    
    we do sound like twins in how we are doing this. Different delivery systems, but that’s about it. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before but it hit me as a 'duh!' moment this morning that I totally controlled my delivery when smoking. Yes, the addiction spurred me, but I chose the moment to light up. My body is not used to nicotine dripping in all day on the patches. I don’t know if the gum makes you feel sick at times, but the lozenges do me and I’m only using 4-5 a day. In another stumble to the living room day in this, my addled brain thought for the first time I was going to sit down and have a smoke like months ago. I was shocked my cigs and lighter weren’t on the table. Plus I wanted one so much. I’m starting to notice people smoking and wanting it back. I’ve been reminded here it takes much patience. Getting thin on that. But it’s right it took years to get here so it’s not going to be easily undone. Some days I just feel tested that this will be worth it. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has felt that. Younhang in there too.
    
    Following Getting at wits end in these streams: Inbox
    
    This email was sent by BecomeAnEX because you are a registered user.
    You may unsubscribe instantly from BecomeAnEX, or adjust email frequency in your email preferences. Be sure to click Save. News Digest emails are sent on Thursdays by default.
    Attachments
    Untitled.zip2.9 KB
    1 person found this helpful
    Like • Show 0 Likes0
    Actions
    - Giulia @ Pawr on Jan 20, 2019 10:50 PM
      Pawr - regarding the first part of your advice to Gwenivere, I absolutely agree: "Watching others smoke actually helps me a bit. Looks a bit silly. " I remember one day when I was waiting for my husband or whatever the scenario (can't quit remember) and just sat in my car and watched people smoke. This must have been at least 4 to 6 months into the journey. And I looked at these people as if from an alien perspective. I was, at that point in that moment, able to totally dissociate from my own emotions and history to it. I was able to look at it absolutely objectively. And I thought "What a really weird thing to do. Hold this little white "thing" in their hand, put a flame to it, inhale, exhale, do this kind of weird flick thing with their finger, still stand there, kind of looking off into space, another inhale, another exhale and other flick... eventually they discard the object. (I wondered what it was for?) And then walk back into the store, or whatever. How bizarre is THAT, U thought. Looking back on it, that was a major transition in my journey, that emotional disconnect..
      
      It's hard in the beginning to watch people smoke and dissociate from the visceral emotional connection. Or just to see a butt on the ground or walk into a store and see first off all those cigarettes in your face. I was thrilled to go through an entire day smoke free until I saw a butt on the ground and then WHAM - major craving to the fore. And I was so PISSED OFF. Because I had FINALLY had some relief most of the day and now it was just back to the constant ache and reminder and all that STUPID CRAVING CRAP!
      
      That's just part of the journey. Or my journey, anyway. Fortunately I don't go nuts when I see a butt on the ground any more. But I'll tell ya - truth - I pass someone smoking and my head turns in that direction and I think "wow but that smells good." The difference is, that feeling, that immediate freshly popped popcorn unbelievable scent trigger dissipates within 60 seconds. But man, as a newbie on this journey those first 60 seconds can make or break a quit.
      
      So move past them ya'll. Move past them. In any way you can. That trigger will dissipate when you refocus.
      
      Like • Show 0 Likes0
      Actions
      - Pawr @ Giulia on Jan 21, 2019 7:59 AM
        Weather! Another good reason not to smoke today. It's below zero outside and I won't be standing out there freezing while getting my fix.
        1 person found this helpful
        Like • Show 3 Likes3
        Actions
Gwenivere Jan 20, 2019 5:53 PM
As I just told Pawr, I had en epiphany this morning. One I knew but didn’t fully get. This constant nicotine drip is different than smoking. 'I' chose when to feed it. It would tap me on the shoulder at regular intervals, but I decided when to light up. This is the trade off on NRT patches. My brain got its big hit and would leave me alone for a bit. I could push it away for long periods like movies and dinners. I wondered this morning where my cigs and lighter were after I dressed and fed the dogs. I wanted them back on the table. Cold turkey or NRT, it finally sunk in that my body and brain are going thru hell. This at the start of 6 weeks. More stresses have been added at. The most inconvenient time. Like Pawr, I miss the cigs now. I see every smoker now.when I didn’t care before . I guess this is big time No Mans Land?
Like • Show 1 Like1
Actions
- anaussiemom @ Gwenivere on Jan 20, 2019 6:26 PM
  Gwenivere I'm using Nicorette gum. 2 mg, just maybe 3 times a day. It doesn't make me sick, Still cravin" the pastries, breads, cake. LOL
  If you buy the peppermint, the Peppermint oil may zap you straight for a few seconds or perhaps I am a bit of a sissy. I happen to like that the real, pep. oil, in the Nic gum. My patch is 14 mg. I will prob go down. Either way I want a cig for a few moments. It seems to subside if I switch a switch to, something else, mindfully.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 2 Likes2
  Actions
  - Gwenivere @ anaussiemom on Jan 20, 2019 11:21 PM
    Good for you, Kim. How long have you been quit now? I’m at that impatient phase going into week 6. I also got a batch of patches that didn’t work well. That was tough. Put on a new one from a new box and it made a big difference. Now I face stepping down to 7’s soon. This ought to be interesting. And I use the word loosely. You know I’m always rooting for ya.
    Like • Show 1 Like1
    Actions
Gwenivere Jan 20, 2019 11:41 PM
Crazy mama, I can’t find a post you made about relating to the anxiety with your.kids. That’s got yo be a tough thing for a mother. Wanting to make things OK for them. I was a psych major in college, but this kind of stuff never came up. But I have noticed I have replaced old habits with new ones. I think that is human nature. We’re creatures of routine and need to feel some control where we can. If only it was the same for everyone, would sure simplify things and we could all know what to do. This is one time being unique isn’t so great.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
Thomas3.20.2010 Jan 21, 2019 8:00 AM
Give it time, Gwen. I absolutely know panic attacks. What happened to me was at first they were less deep then they were of shorter length and finally I knew when one was about to come on and could breathe my way through before they could get a grip! It took several Months of learning mindfulness meditation and using neurofeedback. I still rarely get panic attacks that sneak by that window of opportunity to shut them down before they get me. But it gets better and better with time. I know you've been told this about smoking cessation as well but it just does take longer when you're using NRTs. Hang in there - there's no pretty but ugly counts too as long as you keep stacking those days - one at a time! O know for sure that your lungs appreciate you. Are you grateful for your lungs? Perhaps if you read about the wonderful job they do for you 24/7 you will increase your awareness of breathing. You can go to COPD to learn some breathing techniques that are just as useful to anxiety as they are to pulmonary distress.
4 people found this helpful
Like • Show 3 Likes3
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Thomas3.20.2010 on Jan 21, 2019 4:33 PM
  Thomas3.20.2010 wrote:
  
  Give it time, Gwen. I absolutely know panic attacks. What happened to me was at first they were less deep then they were of shorter length and finally I knew when one was about to come on and could breathe my way through before they could get a grip! It took several Months of learning mindfulness meditation and using neurofeedback. I still rarely get panic attacks that sneak by that window of opportunity to shut them down before they get me. But it gets better and better with time. I know you've been told this about smoking cessation as well but it just does take longer when you're using NRTs. Hang in there - there's no pretty but ugly counts too as long as you keep stacking those days - one at a time! O know for sure that your lungs appreciate you. Are you grateful for your lungs? Perhaps if you read about the wonderful job they do for you 24/7 you will increase your awareness of breathing. You can go to COPD to learn some breathing techniques that are just as useful to anxiety as they are to pulmonary distress.
  Like • Show 0 Likes0
  Actions
  - Gwenivere @ Gwenivere on Jan 21, 2019 5:24 PM
    I don’t invalidate any panic attacks. I have Panic Disorder and have for 32 years. It requires medication and therapy. Smoking did not cause it, it’s genetic in my family. Stress will definitely agitate things as it is doing now as the quit is not the only major change in my life right now. One other happens to be my lung disease that is getting worse and I am only slowing it by quitting. It wasn’t caused by smoking either, tho it certainly did not help. Thanks for trying to cheer me up but it’s a pretty yuck time.
    Like • Show 0 Likes0
    Actions
Kristih78 Jan 25, 2019 3:28 AM
Congratulations ,50 days doesnt come easy!!!! I'm almost a year in and let me tell you ,I had to fight for this because it wasnt easy. I'm really feeling your pain, I want you to know that this gets easier as time passes , your body has not adjusted ,it takes a awhile , I'm still adjusting to this new lifestyle ,I no longer crave a cigarette and I'm so happy to have quit ,but I had a roller coaster ride for the first 5 months. We are here to support you . You might not want to hear this ,but it sounds that you are making up excuses to maybe smoke. Smoking will never make you feel better physically than not smoking . You will be able to breath better ,your lungs will heal, your taste will come back you will be a healthier you . Keep it up , you can do this!!!!
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
- Gwenivere @ Kristih78 on Jan 25, 2019 5:36 PM
  What I am experiencing is feeling the worst since I quit early December. I thought my body would adjust more to the patch and lozenges combo. Yes, I have days I want to ditch this whole thing. Not looking for more, I have a handful of them. Unfortunately my lungs won’t heal with my form of COPD. Just pure frustration that my body isn’t adapting to thie nicotine in a different manner. To be redundant, becoming a widow has taken much reason for a better existence from me. Constant leg/back pain that makes my one once enjoyable outlet of volunteering almost impossible. So no, I am not enthused right now.
  Like • Show 0 Likes0
  Actions
  - elvan @ Gwenivere on Jan 25, 2019 7:39 PM
    I am so sorry, seriously. I wish I had answers. I CAN tell you that I am certain that I would not be alive if I had not quit smoking. My COPD is categorized as "moderate" but I had to have both upper lobes of my lungs removed so I am not sure I get it. I guess I am lucky to only be on oxygen at night. Like you, I have chronic pain...I make myself workout and there are times when I really don't want to and I am not sure I CAN but then I DO. I had tears rolling down my face one day, another day, I used the nebulizer while I pedaled. Fortunately, I have a mask so I could just put it on and I felt my breathing improving. I am almost ALWAYS cold when I get on the bike but by the time I get off, I am soaked with perspiration and I DON'T go fast. I CAN'T. I go ten miles in about an hour, give or take a couple of minutes. The cardiologist I saw was really pleased with that but then I see these ads on TV with the 20 somethings on their Pelotons going faster than the wind.
    
    Have you considered a support group for grieving? I am just asking because I think you are in so much pain that it is hard for you to take care of yourself. I think it is hard for you to value yourself. I wonder if you feel like you can't...no one can do this for you and if the patches aren't doing what you need, I don't know what to suggest. I really am so sorry.
    
    Ellen
    4 people found this helpful
    Like • Show 2 Likes2
    Actions
    - Gwenivere @ elvan on Jan 25, 2019 10:09 PM
      Thanks, Ellen. I’m still amazed at the amount of exercise you do. Especially after such a surgery. I wish my pain would let me do more than limp and see my activity shrink. I wanna be just like you when I grow up. I Know what you mean about the Peletons, the commercials show those young people riding like lightning.
      
      I am in a grief support group. Like smoking, I know I’m not alone in the feelings. I don’t know how people did this before we had so many places to reach out to. Depended on family, I guess, way before people scattered in the wind. Growing up no one left town til my generation.
      
      I told my quit coach about the term No Man's Land and she thought it was a good way to describe it. Considering she’s heard thousands of stories and answered so many questions. She confirmed this is about the time people get fed up and relapse. That’s what I needed validated by them as I see it done here. Every bit helps.
      
      You are so supportive, Ellen. I wanna be just like you when I grow up.
      Like • Show 1 Like1
      Actions
      - elvan @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 9:06 AM
        I am so glad that you are getting some help with your grief. I really hope that you can very gradually increase your activity, perhaps you need more medication for pain or muscle spasms. No one should be expected to live with debilitating pain day in and day out. That is not living. I have to get to work this morning, will check back when I can.
        
        PLEASE take care of yourself the way you would take care of someone else in your same circumstances. Be your own advocate.
        Hugs,
        Ellen
        1 person found this helpful
        Like • Show 1 Like1
        Actions
  - Marilyn.H.July.14.14. @ Gwenivere on Jan 25, 2019 7:44 PM
    2 people found this helpful
    Like • Show 3 Likes3
    Actions
  - Kristih78 @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 8:52 PM
    I understand, it's the hardest thing I ever did!!!!! Quiting smoking!! But now my greatest accomplishment!!!! Hang in there you can do this!!!!!!
    1 person found this helpful
    Like • Show 1 Like1
    Actions
Pawr Jan 25, 2019 8:51 AM
Stay strong. The voice in your head weakening your resolve is lying. I remember the scene in the movie "Animal House" where the character Pinto had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Listen to the Angel!!
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 2 Likes2
Actions
DonnaMarie Jan 25, 2019 10:43 PM
Hi there. Sorry I didn't see your post before and that I'm responding a week late.

I hear you. I have felt what you feel. I'm not there right now, but have been in the past.

You say you're in pain and having trouble walking. Is there an indoor pool where you can walk or get some movement? I am getting ready to do that very thing myself. For me, the effort of going to a gym, dressing, doing my thing in the pool and then all it takes to get back home again can be overwhelming. And because of that, a lot of the time, I just don't go.

You say you're using patches. Have you considered going cold turkey and getting all the "bad stuff" out of the way at once? You can also talk to your doctor about possibly getting a short term prescription for something for anxiety while you work the early days of your quit.

Are you getting enough sleep?

Because you came here and talked about your challenges, I have a funny feeling you're going to come through this just fine.

Much patience and strength to you!

Donna
Day 40
1 person found this helpful
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
- Gwenivere @ DonnaMarie on Jan 25, 2019 11:52 PM
  I feel the same about going to a public gym. It’s just to much to.take on. Especially in winter and darkness and rain as we have is Seattle. Taking a shower at home is a majot endeavor. I thought about cold turkey, but I know I would fail. I’m already on anxiety meds for a disorder. Im actually want more sleep. This is wiping me out. Thanks for your reply. February 2nd will be 2 months. Goal is cigs first, nicotine later, but no rush on that. My docs don’t care if I use replacement forever but no smokes. I know I’ll reach a point I tire of the patches, but the lozenges really help.
  1 person found this helpful
  Like • Show 1 Like1
  Actions
  - sweetplt @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 7:39 AM
    Hang in there Gwenivere...gotcha in my thoughts ... try and do something fun for you today...Colleen
    Like • Show 1 Like1
    Actions
millon03 Jan 26, 2019 9:12 AM
Have you ever thought about Chantix? I am using it and am pleasantly surprised by the results. All of the mood swings have been nonexistent for me. Just a suggestion... Be at peace... M.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
- Gwenivere @ millon03 on Jan 26, 2019 5:25 PM
  I heard about it in passing many years ago when I wasn’t in the market to quit. I take many meds for different conditions and would worry about it interactions especially depression. I prefer I can control, to some degree, my nicotine input with the NRT's. I’m not stuck for 24 hours. Thank you for the suggestion tho.
  Like • Show 0 Likes0
  Actions
  - JACKIE1-25-15 @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 5:48 PM
    I think it is something you should take the time to look into. It will not hurt to ask your doctor. The decision is still always yours. One way or the another. It is still best to know. Several antidepressants are actually used to assist with quitting smoking such Wellbutrin which I used for 90 days. Took the edge off and was able to make it through some of the tough times.
    Like • Show 0 Likes0
    Actions
    - Gwenivere @ JACKIE1-25-15 on Jan 26, 2019 5:55 PM
      I’m already on an antidepressant and my doc doesn’t want to risk suicidal thoughts that chantix can cause. Wellbutrin is chantix, different marketing but why you don’t take both. It was a fluke they found it decreased wanting to smoke. It’s been a lifesaver for so many.
      Like • Show 0 Likes0
      Actions
      - JACKIE1-25-15 @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 6:37 PM
        I had no idea that chantix and wellbutrin are the same thing.
        Wellbutrin (bupropion) is an antidepressant used for the management of major depression and seasonal affective disorderand Chantix (varenicline) is used for cessation of smoking. The Zyban brand of bupropion is used similarly to Chantix to help people stop smoking by reducing cravings and other withdrawal effects. Just a little bit of information I found to share. http://www.originaldrugs.net/antidepressants/wellbutrin-chantix.shtml
        
        2 people found this helpful
        Like • Show 4 Likes4
        Actions
      - elvan @ Gwenivere on Jan 26, 2019 8:40 PM
        Wellbutrin and Chantix are not the same, I am not sure where you got that idea. Yes, wellbutrin's ability to stop was discovered as a strange side effect. Chantix was designed and marketed to help people stop smoking. The side effects are entirely different. I have taken Wellbutrin for years to help with chronic pain, chantix was never considered...it didn't even exist when I started Wellbutrin. I do not think they are chemically related.
        2 people found this helpful
        Like • Show 1 Like1
        Actions
        anaussiemom @ elvan on Jan 26, 2019 8:48 PM
        Welbutrin is used for chronic pain ? elvan Hm. Thought it was for seasonal disorders, and depression.
        
        And just so happens to help smokers quit... didn't know that Ellen. Chantix came out much later than welbutrin, I think. Dont know the similarities, but perhaps they are discovering some IDK.
        Like • Show 0 Likes0
        Actions
        elvan @ anaussiemom on Jan 26, 2019 9:03 PM
        I was told that I had to be on an antidepressant because my pain has been so severe for so long and the doctors said that it changes your brain chemistry. I resisted strongly for a long time and then gave in...they tried many different medications but this was one I could tolerate without palpitations or oversedation. Antidepressants can enhance pain medications.
        Ellen
        2 people found this helpful
        Like • Show 1 Like1
        Actions
        Gwenivere @ elvan on Jan 26, 2019 11:29 PM
        You are right, elvan. I was confusing Wellbutrin, zyban and the generic name. People were not telling thier docs they were on one already and getting too much with RX's of the same thing. One thing I did not know is it can help with pain.
        Like • Show 1 Like1
        Actions
        elvan @ Gwenivere on Jan 27, 2019 9:15 PM
        Gwenivere I was told that antidepressants potentiate the effects of pain medication but it took a lot of trial for me to get one that I could tolerate. Some made me so sleepy that I could not function, others would wake me up during the night because my heart was pounding so hard and going so fast.
        
        I would think that anyone who took Wellbutrin and Zyban, which are the same, would end up having seizures. I have never had clinical depression so it was tricky to get a medication that didn't overwhelm me.
        
        I hope you are at least beginning to feel better.
        Ellen
        2 people found this helpful
        Like • Show 1 Like1
        Actions

Getting at wits end

Outcomes

Attachments

Related Content

Recommended Content