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Give and get support around quitting

Gwenivere
Member

Getting at wits end

I’m now well into my 5th week of the 14mg patches and lozenges as needed.  What I am finding is NOW I want to smoke.  I’m tired of this half ass withdrawl and confused why my body has not adapted in all this time.  Why am I bothering?  I can’t breathe any better.  In fact my pulmonologist put me on more oxygen.  I want to live in the shower from cold sweats.  I want to sleep to escape the extreme depression.  My back is getting so bad that I can barely walk anymore.   The pain was bad before, but definitely more so since this quit.  If feeling suffocated wasn’t so horrible I’d probably say screw it and bail.  Last time I talked to my quit coach they said add more lozenges.  I haven’t because they feel like too much.  Like chain smoking and nauseous.  I was in the drug store and a woman there heard me say something about quitting and said what I hear here.  Best decision I could make.  Wish I felt that because I sure don’t this week.  50+ days, BFD.

66 Replies
Gwenivere
Member

I’m on the 14’s, but take them off overnight.  So when I add in the lozenges it’s about 14 for the whole day.  I’m going to stick with the program, but eventually I’d like to just use lozenges as I can control those.  That is how I started before committing.  Got to 3 cigs a day and those.  Said this is kinda ridiculous and slapped on a patch.  I did call the manufacturer to let them know.  But as Ellen and others have pointed out, there is the anxiety issue as well.  I have to get creative on things to do my body will allow.  I’d love to clean out my fur covered car but I can’t do that kind of stuff anymore.  I do push it to my own expense.  I’m not a good bum.  One of my dogs follows me everywhere as she senses there is something wrong.  Maybe she’s trying to tell me to knock off the heroic attempts and rest more.  I don’t have an oral fixation need and I play games on my iPad when sitting.  You are right, finding something to do with your hands is a tough one.  How many pens have you worn out?    Thanks, Lori.

0 Kudos
Mandolinrain
Member

How about trying to knit or crochet or learn guitar or mandolin? Many online classes that are free to keep hands busy

Prayers up for you

Gwenivere
Member

I’m trying to envision me knitting.  It made me laugh because as a kid I remember my scarves getting skinnier and skinnier because of not getting something I was supposed to add.  Thanks for that memory.  

I've worn out quite a few pens.  But I'll be honest with you, I think every single one of us have gone through what you're going through.  You're at the stage of bargaining.  I did a lot of reading and researching on how alcoholics and drug addicts deal with their addictions and the stages they go through.  We, as smokers, really do go through the same stages.  It's much like going through the stages of grief.  I know I went through the bargaining stage.  I wrote /blogs/crazymama_Lori-blog/2016/05/10/just-for-you-newbies-and-those-in-nml-no-mans-land?sr=search&s...  to track every 30 days or so what was going through my brain.  I would go back to a lot of my bookmarks when I was struggling.  You can view member's bookmarks by going into their profiles and clicking on the bookmark tab.  I learned a lot by going back through people's profiles and going back to the very beginning and saw similiarities.  I have a daughter that has anxiety disorder.  So I think that's why I'm drawn to you.  Just try to take quitting each moment at a time, not looking back and not looking forward.  The frustrating thing about quitting is that it's such a personalized thing.  It's not as simple as here take this pill or do this and poof it will be gone.  Everybody used smoking for something different.  Understanding that "something different" is the hardest part and only you can do that.  I know with myself buying myself a notebook and writing down what I was feeling at the time helped.  By the time I was done, the anxiety was gone, I worked my problem out myself and I felt better.  it's just a tip we used in a psych class I took years and years ago.

Giulia
Member

I'm so tempted to say, hey, you wanna smoke that bad - so SMOKE.  That's really what I think you'd like to hear, maybe?  Permission to do so?  Maybe not, but that's how I'm interpreting this in my own brain.  'Cause I've been in that mindset myself.  (It's ok if I'm wrong on that score.  And if so, I'm sorry.  I just see so many excuses in your "wits end" list.  You can't breathe any better, you're on more oxygen, you have cold sweats and more depression, you're back is hurting you more.... )  We can't give you that permission to smoke.  Only YOU give yourself that. I hope you don't.  And the fact that you've put up this blog is your obvious  attempt to stay smoke free.  

Why are you bothering?  That's the ultimate question you need to answer for yourself in order to overcome this.  We were all tired of the half-assed withdrawal.  The back and forth,  the ENDLESS internal dialogue.  I believe that it is only when we get to that very hard point within ourselves that we can accept the   - NO MATTER WHAT - aspect of this journey.  And that is when the inner dialogue ceases and we can begin the acceptance of the necessary requirements needed to become free of this addiction.   

I don't suffer from panic attacks.  I haven't a clue as to what that feels like.  I can imagine, how awful it must be, however.  And it is harder for those who have psychological disorders to overcome this addiction.  But you CAN, is my point.  I want you to want this for yourself as so many of us who have responded want it for you.

Gwenivere
Member

I’m having some tough days, but I don’t want to smoke and haven’t.  No I wasn’t asking if I should.  There are so many facets to a persons life beyond smoking.  I come here for help with that.  

If you never had a panic attack, you cannot imagine it.  It’s like when people say they can imagine watching thier spouse die as I did.  Nope.  

Please keep in mind something you may may have forgotten.  We’re all just mere mortals and stumble a lot.   I’ve seen it time and time again here.  I get the feeling I rub you the wrong way for some reason.  I can’t apologize for things beyond my control I am trying to juggle with this.  For whatever reason I elicited this response, I am sorry.

shashort
Member

Gwenivere  I so feel what your going through with the exception of panic disorder ( as I don't suffer from them) but all in the same breath I think I may had symptoms of it when I quit.  I remember in the beginning the struggles were real, I didn't like the process and I fought it.  I remember even thinking dang my life seemed so much easier, when I smoked as I didn't remembering having so many life crisis (my nicotine brain lying to me).  Your in No Man's Land and what you feel is normal.  I know I struggled past my 100 days mark.  A lot of my problems were the denial and acceptance stage.I had the poor me thing going on  and I too had lots of medical issues going on and having to learn how to deal with losing my fingers.  But I too had lots of breathing problems which led to my quitting. Question for you: Did you have a lot of severe panic attacks before you smoked?  How did you handle them?  We as smokers adapted to smoking to make us feel better and basically avoid the issue at hand.  As EX smokers we have to learn how to deal with  life crisis without a cigarette in hand.  Again we know this is hard but find things to occupy your mind.  I know you said you can't get up and exercise, but can you raise your arms while sitting?  Maybe try simulating arm motions of jumping jacks sitting down, doing arm raises,arm circles, do leg  raises while sitting, any movement you can do can release dopamine which will help you.  Get creative finding things to do to keep your mind busy, such as, staying on site reading and blogging (which you doing a great job with), you don't have to be alone we are here for you.  I wish I could tell you step by step how to feel better but unfortunately all our quits are different.  We can only tell our experiences and what we did in hopes to help you.  What I did was adapt NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS NOPE IS MY WAY OF LIFE!!  I SANG AND SHOUTED NOPE NOPE AND NOPE! Punch pillows if you have to to release frustrations, soak in a warm bubble bath always made me feel better.  Tell yourself positive things like I CAN, you may not believe at first but the more you tell yourself YOU CAN then you will start to believe it.  Believe it or not life is a lot better once you get through the ugly process.  As everyone always told me you gave to go through it to get to easier better living.  Its hard to see this better living in the beginnng and middle days of your quit BUT LIFE DOES GET BETTER.  Sorry didn't mean to write a book, just wanted you to know we can really relate to your struggles and know they are real but it is very possible to get through just have yo be patient.  Hugs and stay close. We are here for you.

shashort
Member

PS:  Congratulations on making it in 50+ days as an EX. Baby steps girl YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

indingrl
Member

CONGRATS GWENIEVE ON 50+ DAYS!!! Good to read your blog and update info - GOOD JOB quitting with YOUR OWN PLAN- WAY TO GO!!!! Yahooooo

Giulia
Member

Quite right.  I can't imagine what a panic attack is really like.  You made an excellent point.  Rather glib and dumb thing for me to say.  I'm sorry.  

But  I am well aware that we are all mortals and stumble.  What, you think I haven't?  What I'm trying to do is help you stand up straight and sure and not stumble.  You don't rub me the wrong way, but your attitude about this journey does.  Because I think it's a self-defeating one.  I don't think it's helping you, I think it's hurting you.  Some examples:

Oct. 11th:  "This isn’t a good time to quit "

Oct. 13  "are there times the cravings don’t subside in a reasonable time?"

Nov. 5 " I was just reading another thread about people well into a year if this and still feeling awful."

Nov. 22  "this was a forced quit at the hardest time of year"  " I wish I had a good motivation for doing this."

Dec. 8 "I know there are no magic time frames, but is there some light in the future that this will start to turn around?"

Dec. 13 "  At day 12, I read the 2nd week wasn’t going to be as much better than I thought.  True.  Now I’ve run across a thread about No Mans Land at about 30 days and how hard a passage that could be for a long time.  It’s hard to keep up a good mental attitude when I keep hearing it’s going to possibly get even harder."   ..."This quit was not planned.  I had no choice so maybe that is playing into it?"

Jan. 3 "I didn’t expect Nirvana, but I sure didn’t know it could feel even harder."

Jan. 19 "Wish I felt that because I sure don’t this week.  50+ days, BFD."

Do you hear the negativity?  Am I wrong?  This is not to say that we shouldn't vent our frustrations and express the difficulties we're having.  Of course we need to do that.  But we can also talk ourselves into a miserable quit experience if we stay on that  track.  And this is what I think you're doing.  I think you keep reinforcing how difficult quitting is.  Just by the very questions you ask.  I sense that you wish so very much that all the symptoms you're experiencing in this quit were not so.  That you keep hoping that one day you'll wake up and it'll all be over.  We all wished that.  But that's not the nature of the journey.  

If you could just keep working on accepting the "no matter what" aspect of this, I think it would benefit you.  Many here had to constantly reinforce that during their process.  "I'm in it for the long haul - no matter how long it takes."  You sort of have to give yourself up to it.  

Don't say "50+ days, BFD" say rather -  "50+ days HOW GREAT IS THAT!  I'M DOING THIS!"  Reinforce THAT, even if you don’t particularly feel it.  Fifty days is extraordinarily amazing.  One day is an accomplishment.  But 50?!!  Pat yourself on the back.  

I have a sticky note on a bookshelf in my office from when I quit.  It says ATTITUDE STUPID!  I have another that says "spirituality of intent."  Another that says "Life happens for you, not to you."  I surround myself with bits of words that help to remind me of the fact that it's my perception that creates my reality.  And so I must be ever mindful of that perception.  Because I can lost in negativity very easily.  I just ....   want to help.  Sorry if it's having the complete opposite effect.  

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/expert-advice/blog/2010/11/19/positive-self-talk 

 https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/expert-advice/blog/2015/10/02/the-messages-we-send-ours...