Giulia wrote:
You know life is full of hurts. In my opinion part of this quitting journey is learning to grow a backbone. Most members will come to the rescue of another member whom we feel is being abused or treated wrongly.
Here lies a problem. When members "rescue" others, historically, it hasn't gone well. Rather than rescue them I should be alerted by the report abuse button. This is a close knit group and people are protective of each other. If a new member, or any member really is creating a ruckus, I can handle it. I've had new members message me on occasion (it's been a while) expressing that they felt that long time members were very close and it was intimidating being a new member.
I've read several posts (including before my time) over the last three years where people were "rescuing" others and some things were said that shouldn't have been said. People want to protect their friends, I get it. Emotions get heated. But there is a better way to do it without retaliation. I have to moderate impartially.
I'm a coach for my kid's sports teams and we have a "rule" where I cannot respond to a parent other than an acknowledgement of receiving their concern for 24 hours so that emotions are largely removed from the response. Depending on the concern, I also have to have liaisons up the chain present if there is an in-person meeting. Parents are also encouraged to wait 24 hours before sending a concern, which helps too. Not directly applicable here but possibly.
Giulia wrote:
Obviously no one would want a new member to be attacked that causes them to leave.
Agreed, and sadly it has happened. In some cases I think the person was just in a rough spot trying to quit and was trying to become part of the group. They were defensive and got emotional. People coming to the rescue only put them over the edge.
Giulia wrote:
But you can be attacked without any foul language being used whatsoever. It's the intent that, I believe, is really the issue. Not a stupid cuss word. If I were to say to someone: "your comments are stupid, ignorant, unhelpful, meaningless and should be put in the toilet!" I haven't used one verboten word. It's still hurtful.
Agreed, that can be done as well. Unfortunately the software doesn't have natural language sentiment included in it to detect these type of attacks and I rarely get member reports of abuse like this. If you see something like this. Please flag it rather than responding. I'll jump in and address.
I do get automatic reports for potential spammers. This had really helped. There has been very little spam that has made it to the site in the last year and a half. Most I have been able to catch before it has gone up. The ones that have shown up have either been reported by members or I happen to catch on my own. A couple occasions people have put spam in their profiles but that's still fairly rare as well.
Giulia wrote:
I think most successful quitters can. It may hurt, but we learn to deal with it and get over it. And if we don't, then we remain victims to our addiction (and life) forever. Because if you're a delicate flower and can't take some tough times - how the heck are you going to handle quitting? I mean really? Ridding oneself of an addiction isn't for the delicate.
New members don't always seem prepared for this. They're delicate. They're not confident at first. They're in a new environment. They may have previous failed attempts. Certainly you see the result. You've been through the journey but they're not looking through that lens when they join. They're intimidated but are hoping to be inspired by others who have been successful all while managing everything related to the quitting process. I've not done it personally but I've read a lot to know what a struggle it is in the words of these members. It's about taking someone who may be fragile/delicate and helping them to become resilient and prepared for quitting.
Sorry for the late response on this Giulia
Mark
EX Community Manager
EX Community Admin Team
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I'm always learning!
