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Give and get support around quitting

Bellegonia
Member

Do You Have People Ignoring Your Quit?

My Honey has been ignoring my quit. I finally asked him the other night at dinner... why isn't he mentioning what it's like to live with a nonsmoker? Why isn't he telling me every day what a great job I'm doing? Isn't he proud of me?

He doesn't smoke cigarettes, but he is a daily THC user. I never got into THC. He said because he didn't want to "jinx" me... and that he is jelouse. It's funny because he's the one who told me that all I needed to quit was sheer will power. AND WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT SUPPORT EXPECTATIONS PRIOR TO THE QUIT. I find that really odd and funny now, looking from the back side. The other night we had a different conversation now that I can talk like a REAL QUITTER and not someone who's trying to quit... it was centered around the ADDICTION, JUNKIE TALK and how selfish a quit HAS to be. I realized that as nice as it would be to have him cheering me on all day, every day - it would get pretty annoying eventually and that this QUIT is a personal and exclusive, selfish journey.

What has your experience been?

What were you expecting from your loved ones?

What advise would you give them as to how best support you?

35 Replies
CommunityAdmin
Community Manager
Community Manager

Great post.  I've never been a smoker but I was a support person to a friend who quit.  His girlfriend didn't even notice for the longest time.  It actually became funny to us as he couldn't believe that she wasn't recognizing he had.  I know he was partially sad that she didn't notice either at the time to encourage him.  But he had me as his accountability partner and I helped him through his challenging days.  Now he has replaced his time smoking with other activities both for his own health and to benefit others.  

So while I can't answer your questions from his perspective I know that even though his significant other was not directly engaged in his quit journey a friend who was a phonecall away and a 13 hour drive was more than enough of what he needed at the time.  I was also willing to listen to him and talk to him about topics he might not have been able to address with her so perhaps in ways it was probably better anyway that that is how it went down.

Definitely excited to read what others post.  

Mark
EX Community Manager

EX Community Admin Team
YoungAtHeart
Member

I live alone,  none of my close friends smoked (and didn't have the vaguest idea what to do or say to be supportive, I guess) , and I have no other family, so I didn't expect that kind of support.  I found Ex, made some good friends here it turns out, and that was enough for me.

Here is a letter (in the Best of Ex) that I wish you had known about.  I think a lot of people don't know WHAT to do or say, and we can be easily angered/agitated  in the early days, so they probably just keep quiet!

The letter:  /blogs/SkyGirl-blog/2016/09/10/letter-to-my-loved-ones-repost 

minihorses
Member

"My Honey has been ignoring my quit. I finally asked him the other night at dinner... why isn't he mentioning what it's like to live with a nonsmoker? Why isn't he telling me every day what a great job I'm doing? Isn't he proud of me?"

My hubby has always been a non-smoker and has done in the past and is doing now the same thing as yours. He has never offered one word of acknowledgement, support, or encouragement whatsoever. My kids (well not 'kids' they're 19 & 26) are the ones that do all of that.  It hurts and makes me feel like he doesn't care which makes me want to just go back to smoking since he doesn't give a crap.  You're right and I didn't realize it. Quitting smoking needs to be a selfish journey so I will continue to walk alone at home and get my support and congrats here where there's an abundance of love, support, motivation, and celebration!

Bree19
Member

At first my hubs was very supportive.  I joined EX a good few weeks before I quit so he was involved in everything I was learning and preparing and reading (must’ve been quite boring for him – I shared EVERYTHING!). 

 

He cleverly agreed with all I said or did or screamed or cried about for my first 2 weeks of quitting.  He also counted days with me…

 

…then nothing, over, done!  It’s been a year and 7 months now and, when I remember to check my days quit and it seems very high, I’ll tell him and the response is always:  “Who woulda thunk it?” or “yes a lot of days”.

 

So I guess in his way he is still supportive – I just want someone to make a fuss of me (once a week maybe//once a month?)…

as in:  Look how far you’ve come.  How are you feeling?  It’s so nice to be with you and not have to smell smoke all the time.  Are you enjoying it?  Is it still difficult?  What do you do when you feel like a cigarette? 

 

You know?  Just some form of acknowledgement.  However, as you say, it is a trip we have to take alone and maintain for ourselves, by ourselves.  When I start feeling sorry for myself, I only have to think of the real Elders on EX and what they've achieved and all our friends here who cheer us on, daily.

 

Must add though - my daughter is still blown away and never lets a chance pass when she doesn't congratulate me...so it evens out and I don't have too many pity parties anymore.

GO US!!!!

Bree with hugs.

Giulia
Member

My husband was supportive from the get go.  He wanted me to quit FOR YEARS.  Drove me nuts about it.  I think I was so darn tired of being badgered I finally decided I'd had enough.   (My mantra has always been NADO - Never Another Day One.  I think part of that encompasses the thought of a return to the unending badgering I'd get if I started up again!  lol)  And of course now I have him to thank for being the inpetus of this final quit.  Without him, I don't know that I would ever have quit.  And every year he does something special for me on my quit day.  On my first year anniversary he bought me this beautiful quit beetle.  It is a precious token.  /blogs/Giulia-blog/2013/09/10/how-precious-is-your-quit 

Quit Bug.JPG

What was I expecting from him?  I just wanted him to "shut up already!"  HA!  It's amazing what love can do, isn't it?

SimplySheri
Member

All I asked out of my children was that they tell me I smelled good as often as possible   I really needed to hear that.  I never had noticed how my family pulled away from my hugs sometimes until my granddaughter told me very kindly that I didn't smell good when I smoked.  It was devastating to me.  So I quit, my family hugs the stuffings out of me, and 5 years later I still smell good!!!

They still help me celebrate my quit date.  They are proud of me and still tell me that as well....even though I never asked them to  

Sheri

gregp136
Member

My wife is very supportive, and wants me to quit.  On the other hand, she is not the one addicted, and she does not feel what I feel.  Our lives get busy, and while my body and mind is remembering each and every time I would normally smoke, she has other things to think about.

virgomama
Member

My experience has been mixed.  My last quit I didn't have the information I now have being a part of Ex.  My partner was respectful in that he didn't smoke in front of me, but that was about it.  In fact it was smoking his discarded butts that got me smoking again.  When I tried explaining how hard it was to quit around him because he was a constant trigger  i.e.  smell, ashtray, cigs etc.  He just said.  You can't blame me.  You're responsible for quitting if you want to not me.  

a year or so later here I am into my last quit.  And this time I talked to him a lot before I quit.  He agreed to a smoke free house which will help a lot.  And he's right.  It is my quit.  One of the blogs I read here talked about the excuses we run to start smoking again.  And a partner smoking is one of them.  We have to remember that it is our quit.  They are addicted (if they smoke) and have to.  We don't.    

My motto for this quit is N.O.P.E..  And I mean it with all my heart.  Even if he never quits. Would I like more engagement from him on my quit?  Yes.  Will I get it?  Probably not for quite awhile.  Will it influence me determination?  Probably, but it won't win.  I will.  

Sandy-9-17-17
Member

I honestly think I (forced) people to recognize my quit, as I was always pushing my numbers at them, not every day, but often enough!  Just ask everyone here.....  

I told my partner, that I would need him to ask me how I'm doing from time to time, and he did for a short bit! 

My guy loved if I brought it up and always high fived me, but I sometimes wonder if he thought the same way too, maybe it would somehow jinx my quit!  I just know he is very proud of me, as are my children and my grand children who I never smoked around.  I want to continue to be that example of a non smoker to them, always! 

Congrats to you on your quit!  I high five you!  Don't let my high five be a jinx!   You got this!